So I’ve been pondering what to write next. Life feels like it’s finally getting back to normal. My energy and emotions are doing well for the most part. I finally heard from my oncologist today about the next medication (for the abdominal tumors) that she wants to put me on. She says the research is good and that 6 out of 10 people have good success with it. We are now waiting for it to be approved, by whom I’m not sure but I suppose it’s sort of like getting authorization to bill for these meds.
I mentioned in previous posts that I was ill at ease with what happens next. I was feeling like I had to start life over again…as is with most big issues and changes in life. Since my last post life has become a bit more clear. The mandate is still the same as it was before the radiation knocked me out, which I felt was to watch for what God is doing and share his love in those places. I suppose that may sound a bit general and airy fairy but it’s the simplest way to put it. To explain it more would be an entire post in itself. Interestingly enough, as I’m wondering what I’m supposed to do next, there happens to be a local info/prayer meeting for “Partners” which is an organization that helps the displaced people of Burma (inside and outside of the country). If you want to know what’s “really” going on in Burma check out partnersworld.org online.
The people of Burma have been on my heart long before they hit the news last month. Our pastors have been visiting Partners in Thailand over the last two years and have always come home with heartbreaking stories along side amazing stories of joy, love, grace and mercy. Living the basics of what Jesus taught truly happens in these places. It’s like nothing our western minds can comprehend. Finally having the chance to meet a few of the guys that run Partners was really great. They shared information that isn’t broadcast over the news and clarified details of the war and the people affected.
This was one of those moments when you have to make a decision…do you hear this info but file it away somewhere because it’s just too much for your heart to take and figure what can I do anyway or do you let all the horrific stories and joyful stories sink into your heart and at least try to do something about it.
For me, if I liked it or not, these stories became woven into my heart and I can’t just let them fade away into the ether. What I’ll do has yet to be revealed but for now it’s a journey into discovering my emotions. Might sound funny but really, how many of us actually connect with how we’re really feeling. Perhaps it’s just me but anytime sadness or heartbreak shows up, in an effort to stay in control, I push them down. After all, I’m “strong” don’t you know. Funny thing about that statement is that it’s backwards. I think to be truly strong you need to be able to let the emotions come up, whatever they may be.
If I am to love on people effectively I think I need to be connected to the entire scope of emotions – the good and the hard. I suppose we all need to do that to live healthy lives but my guess is we all struggle with that in some way or another. To wade into the river of heartbreak and disappointment is a very scary thing. There’s a fear that if I open that door that I may not be able to shut it again. I know it’s a lie but never the less very real. I don’t know what it’s all going to look like or how many times I’ll stumble but I know it’s a journey into a more authentic me. No doubt it will take a life time.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Monday, October 1, 2007
Getting Back to Normal
Ahhh, I just realized I only wrote once in September…and it’s already October. Well, trying to figure out the insanity behind debilitating depression early in the month and then trying not to be too uptight about all the Dr appointments, the month completely got away on me. Good news is that for now the worst of it is over as you’ve seen in the last post.
I was a bit concerned about the last meeting with my hematologist but as it turns out since this was the first time there was a substantial increase in the leukemia marker my Dr isn’t yet too concerned. He believes it’s due to all the other meds I’ve been on in the past 5 months. I’ll be doing another blood test this week to see if this is an ongoing trend or just a one time thing.
I sort of feel like this portion of cancer treatments is over and life will get to back to normal for a while again. Weird thing is that I don’t know what normal is supposed to look like now. I’ve spent 5 months “being sick” and all of the sudden last week almost all the “sick” dropped off and normal reemerged…now what? I know…it’s definitely a good thing but it’s really strange too. I have to change the way I do life again instantly. You finally find out what works for you with the illness and you have to change it because it’s not what works for you when you are mostly well. It’s sort of like when you change your life to get healthy and loose weight…you change all the things you eat, you have to make time to get to the gym and whatever else…but you “do” life differently. I’m now trying to figure out how to do life again. Well, that might sound totally odd or perhaps really basic considering the worst of the illness is done and I should be ecstatic. Don’t get me wrong now, I am ecstatic! It’s just a little daunting to start life all over again. Although I hate to admit it, I do feel like the big “C” looms overhead waiting for the next time it can kick me. It feels a little like I’m going to get life in order again just in time for cancer treatments to kick the shit out of me again…and that’s really not a fun prospect.
Anywho, that’s what’s on my brain for the moment…whatever it’s worth.
I was a bit concerned about the last meeting with my hematologist but as it turns out since this was the first time there was a substantial increase in the leukemia marker my Dr isn’t yet too concerned. He believes it’s due to all the other meds I’ve been on in the past 5 months. I’ll be doing another blood test this week to see if this is an ongoing trend or just a one time thing.
I sort of feel like this portion of cancer treatments is over and life will get to back to normal for a while again. Weird thing is that I don’t know what normal is supposed to look like now. I’ve spent 5 months “being sick” and all of the sudden last week almost all the “sick” dropped off and normal reemerged…now what? I know…it’s definitely a good thing but it’s really strange too. I have to change the way I do life again instantly. You finally find out what works for you with the illness and you have to change it because it’s not what works for you when you are mostly well. It’s sort of like when you change your life to get healthy and loose weight…you change all the things you eat, you have to make time to get to the gym and whatever else…but you “do” life differently. I’m now trying to figure out how to do life again. Well, that might sound totally odd or perhaps really basic considering the worst of the illness is done and I should be ecstatic. Don’t get me wrong now, I am ecstatic! It’s just a little daunting to start life all over again. Although I hate to admit it, I do feel like the big “C” looms overhead waiting for the next time it can kick me. It feels a little like I’m going to get life in order again just in time for cancer treatments to kick the shit out of me again…and that’s really not a fun prospect.
Anywho, that’s what’s on my brain for the moment…whatever it’s worth.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Good News!
First...sorry to those of you who have read this on the prayer chain or facebook already. What can I say, I'm so incredibly blessed with all the people who want to know what's going on. Thank you!!!
Some of you know that Friday was the big day at the cancer agency… finding out if the radiation worked. Good news…it did! So far the abdominal tumor shrunk from 9cm to 7cm and will likely shrink a bit more over the next month. Wooo Hooo it was worth it. Additionally the other smattering of tumors have not grown any further in the past three months either. In fact one of the Dr’s suggested they’re not even certain that they are tumors. Double Woo Hoo! Lastly the Dr is finally changing the medication that I’m on to control the tumor growth. That’s really good news because the one they’ve had me on for the most of a year and a half has been causing far too much havoc to stay on for the long term. It was causing a lot of different things but the most debilitating was daily pockets of massive depression that meds couldn’t counter act. Life’s just too short to not be able to enjoy it because of meds!!!
Unfortunately she did let it slip that the genetic test they do to keep an eye on the leukemia had a “blip” in it. It didn’t totally surprise me but I’m still disappointed. I see my hematologist today at 1:40 so at least I don’t have a long to wait to find out what she meant by blip. So then, all in all it’s good news for now. Yay God! And thanks to all of you who have prayed…it really does make a difference, even if the “healing” doesn’t look the way we’d like ;-)
Please do continue to pray as God leads. We've got good news now but it is an ongoing struggle.
So much love to you...thank you for caring!
Carin
Some of you know that Friday was the big day at the cancer agency… finding out if the radiation worked. Good news…it did! So far the abdominal tumor shrunk from 9cm to 7cm and will likely shrink a bit more over the next month. Wooo Hooo it was worth it. Additionally the other smattering of tumors have not grown any further in the past three months either. In fact one of the Dr’s suggested they’re not even certain that they are tumors. Double Woo Hoo! Lastly the Dr is finally changing the medication that I’m on to control the tumor growth. That’s really good news because the one they’ve had me on for the most of a year and a half has been causing far too much havoc to stay on for the long term. It was causing a lot of different things but the most debilitating was daily pockets of massive depression that meds couldn’t counter act. Life’s just too short to not be able to enjoy it because of meds!!!
Unfortunately she did let it slip that the genetic test they do to keep an eye on the leukemia had a “blip” in it. It didn’t totally surprise me but I’m still disappointed. I see my hematologist today at 1:40 so at least I don’t have a long to wait to find out what she meant by blip. So then, all in all it’s good news for now. Yay God! And thanks to all of you who have prayed…it really does make a difference, even if the “healing” doesn’t look the way we’d like ;-)
Please do continue to pray as God leads. We've got good news now but it is an ongoing struggle.
So much love to you...thank you for caring!
Carin
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Papers
Crinkled folded paper
Lists
To do, groceries, packing
Remnants of weeks past
Attempts at organizing life
Piles of papers just the same
Appointment cards, receipts, bills
How is it that life comes down to these
The only proof of what you’ve done
Where you’ve been
What you’ve bought (and just HAD to have)
There must be more
If you have children you can see them grow
But for us, adults
Truly children in big bodies with big responsibilities
How do we quantify who we are?
It’s not what we’ve “done”…not really
It’s not piles of papers or houses full of stuff
It’s that stuff on the inside
Things we’ve learned
Love exchanged
The hard stuff we’ve cried endless tears over
Endless lists and piles of paper
Scraps with emails addresses and phone numbers
Proof of what we’ve done and where we’ve been
Just little reminders of how we got here
Lists
To do, groceries, packing
Remnants of weeks past
Attempts at organizing life
Piles of papers just the same
Appointment cards, receipts, bills
How is it that life comes down to these
The only proof of what you’ve done
Where you’ve been
What you’ve bought (and just HAD to have)
There must be more
If you have children you can see them grow
But for us, adults
Truly children in big bodies with big responsibilities
How do we quantify who we are?
It’s not what we’ve “done”…not really
It’s not piles of papers or houses full of stuff
It’s that stuff on the inside
Things we’ve learned
Love exchanged
The hard stuff we’ve cried endless tears over
Endless lists and piles of paper
Scraps with emails addresses and phone numbers
Proof of what we’ve done and where we’ve been
Just little reminders of how we got here
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Just Make the Call
When would you ever imagine it a difficulty for a woman to pick up the phone and call someone to talk? Never … right!?! Well, turns out that this gal’s got the problem. Oyi, I can’t believe I just admitted it…let alone continuing to write about it. Oh ya, remember that being brutally honest thing I spoke of at the beginning of this thing…well its back as per God’s encouraging. Duane says it’s good though…means my brain’s healing, or was that my heart???
So today was the first day back at some normal actives. My church gets together at a coffee shop every Wednesday afternoon and before treatments I was there every week. I loved it. It’s a time to connect, talk and pray if need be. Today something odd happened. I chit chatted a bit … the usual “how are things going?” and so on, listening to some of the other discussions that were around. I began writing in my book trying to figure out this feeling that had popped up and then there it was…I feel like I’m going to have to reacclimatize back into my life. For the last three months I’ve been living with my hubby in Vancouver and seeing friends occasionally on weekends…but that’s it…roughly that’s the extent of my social interaction for three months. I began to ponder what my life was before leaving it for a while, activities – they were good but were they just busy stuff, friendships and depths of them, what needs to be rebuild, what needs to change. Needless to say some major unexpected introspection…and I was just out for a coffee and a laugh!
A friend suggested I needed to share more or something to that effect. He also asked who my backup was…you know, the friends you call when the world is at its end and you need to blubber on someone’s shoulder…or phone. I said my hubby of course…seeing as we live apart during the weekdays. Hmmm, as far as anyone else…whom would I call? I know who I could call but I wouldn’t? What would it take for me to call them? And darnit, why do I find it so hard to call a friend when I’m struggling with something? If people ask I’m happy to share and even be honest most of the time…but what is it about reaching out that’s so hard? Perhaps when I was at coffee shop more often I could share enough that I didn’t need to call….perhaps but still sounds like a copout. I don’t want to bug anyone with my stuff, yep there may be some underlying stuff or whatever but I think that’s what makes most sense to me. I think it started back the first time round when I was 15. The treatments took nearly a year and by half way through friends were tired of hearing the same cancer stories and friends were lost. When you have to not talk about cancer so you can keep your friends…well that’s a pretty fucked up bullet to have to swallow. Never the less, it happened and made an impact on a 15 year olds heart, I suppose I’ve carried it all this time.
So now what? I can lay it down and forgive and all that…but it still doesn’t make picking up the phone any easier. I’m embarrassed that I’m having such a hard time with this. It really really bugs me. It’s not that I don’t want to be close with people, it’s not that at all. Perhaps a part of the social part of my brain fell out.
Why is your button being pushed?
Because you have a button tooooo push.
What’s left?
You’re afraid of wasting peoples time.
You think they don’t want to hear from you.
You think you may not be close enough of a friend to call.
Lie, lie, lie…all lies…I know.
E-mail’s easier…does that count?
So today was the first day back at some normal actives. My church gets together at a coffee shop every Wednesday afternoon and before treatments I was there every week. I loved it. It’s a time to connect, talk and pray if need be. Today something odd happened. I chit chatted a bit … the usual “how are things going?” and so on, listening to some of the other discussions that were around. I began writing in my book trying to figure out this feeling that had popped up and then there it was…I feel like I’m going to have to reacclimatize back into my life. For the last three months I’ve been living with my hubby in Vancouver and seeing friends occasionally on weekends…but that’s it…roughly that’s the extent of my social interaction for three months. I began to ponder what my life was before leaving it for a while, activities – they were good but were they just busy stuff, friendships and depths of them, what needs to be rebuild, what needs to change. Needless to say some major unexpected introspection…and I was just out for a coffee and a laugh!
A friend suggested I needed to share more or something to that effect. He also asked who my backup was…you know, the friends you call when the world is at its end and you need to blubber on someone’s shoulder…or phone. I said my hubby of course…seeing as we live apart during the weekdays. Hmmm, as far as anyone else…whom would I call? I know who I could call but I wouldn’t? What would it take for me to call them? And darnit, why do I find it so hard to call a friend when I’m struggling with something? If people ask I’m happy to share and even be honest most of the time…but what is it about reaching out that’s so hard? Perhaps when I was at coffee shop more often I could share enough that I didn’t need to call….perhaps but still sounds like a copout. I don’t want to bug anyone with my stuff, yep there may be some underlying stuff or whatever but I think that’s what makes most sense to me. I think it started back the first time round when I was 15. The treatments took nearly a year and by half way through friends were tired of hearing the same cancer stories and friends were lost. When you have to not talk about cancer so you can keep your friends…well that’s a pretty fucked up bullet to have to swallow. Never the less, it happened and made an impact on a 15 year olds heart, I suppose I’ve carried it all this time.
So now what? I can lay it down and forgive and all that…but it still doesn’t make picking up the phone any easier. I’m embarrassed that I’m having such a hard time with this. It really really bugs me. It’s not that I don’t want to be close with people, it’s not that at all. Perhaps a part of the social part of my brain fell out.
Why is your button being pushed?
Because you have a button tooooo push.
What’s left?
You’re afraid of wasting peoples time.
You think they don’t want to hear from you.
You think you may not be close enough of a friend to call.
Lie, lie, lie…all lies…I know.
E-mail’s easier…does that count?
Monday, August 27, 2007
She's Baaaack!
Hello Friends!
Many thanks to you all for prayers, warm wishes and emails checking in to see how I was.
Needless to say the past 6 weeks since my last hospital stay have been rather arduous. The pain meds I was given continued to cause me more grief than good and I finally am on new something new. And there was much rejoicing!!!! Yay!
Today I am back at my place in Abbotsford…the first stay longer than a weekend in three months. Last week Thursday was the first day I have driven since my first hospital stint in June. Last week was also the first week in months that I didn’t have all those nutty side effects the first pain meds caused. Again…there was much rejoicing!!!
So if I’ve had all this time on my hands you might ask “why haven’t you been updating you blog?” Well, I had slipped into a dark funk and wasn’t really interested in communicating unless absolutely necessary. I had a few bright spots over the last while (namely Julia coming out and spending the day at the beach with me – yay!) but for the most part I couldn’t think straight, let alone write. Being away from most of the people I loved was difficult and I caused me to withdraw further even when back in Abbotsford. When you put everything together you have a recipe for something that’s dark, dingy and very unhappy. Yep and that was me for a good part of the past month and a half. Duane, on the other hand was wonderful through it all! He did everything he could to help me out…which usually entailed a trip to the beach ;-) Thanks hun! You’re the bestest!
That sort of wraps up the short version of recent happenings, perhaps I’ll feel inspired to unpack it all a little in the future. For now, however, the fatigue is catching up with me so I must go.
Much Love,
Carin
Many thanks to you all for prayers, warm wishes and emails checking in to see how I was.
Needless to say the past 6 weeks since my last hospital stay have been rather arduous. The pain meds I was given continued to cause me more grief than good and I finally am on new something new. And there was much rejoicing!!!! Yay!
Today I am back at my place in Abbotsford…the first stay longer than a weekend in three months. Last week Thursday was the first day I have driven since my first hospital stint in June. Last week was also the first week in months that I didn’t have all those nutty side effects the first pain meds caused. Again…there was much rejoicing!!!
So if I’ve had all this time on my hands you might ask “why haven’t you been updating you blog?” Well, I had slipped into a dark funk and wasn’t really interested in communicating unless absolutely necessary. I had a few bright spots over the last while (namely Julia coming out and spending the day at the beach with me – yay!) but for the most part I couldn’t think straight, let alone write. Being away from most of the people I loved was difficult and I caused me to withdraw further even when back in Abbotsford. When you put everything together you have a recipe for something that’s dark, dingy and very unhappy. Yep and that was me for a good part of the past month and a half. Duane, on the other hand was wonderful through it all! He did everything he could to help me out…which usually entailed a trip to the beach ;-) Thanks hun! You’re the bestest!
That sort of wraps up the short version of recent happenings, perhaps I’ll feel inspired to unpack it all a little in the future. For now, however, the fatigue is catching up with me so I must go.
Much Love,
Carin
Friday, July 13, 2007
As for this week!
Seems all my notes are quick these days, it’s all I can manage for the moment…
On the bright side, I was released from hospital yesterday early evening. The report I received from the doctor regarding the CT scan was that the tumor had not grown (which is good news, obviously) although they didn’t have any further helpful info. They are guessing that the reason for the swelling is that they took me off the anti-inflammatory too soon. Of course there’s good reasons for that too… and bla bla bla.
In hospital they were able to try out a few new dosages of pain medication. Good for the pain management but not so good for life management. “What does she mean by that?” you might ask. These meds are at such high doses that I have body twitches and my hands shake and twitch (imagine typing on a keyboard when your hand is twitching all over the place). My brain is foggy at best and apparently I watched an entire 1 hour TV show last night that I don’t remember. Oh and I have the most interesting activity in my imagination let me tell you! I suppose more correctly they would be hallucinations. Anyway, you get the idea.
I don’t really know what else to tell you, I guess you’re already seeing that it’s been a pretty rough week. I’ve been working away at some of my writing that I was looking forward to posting here although nothing ever got finished.
So then, there you have it. It’s the best I can do with scramble for brains but at least it’s something. Oh…here’s another bright side…I got to enjoy the hospital’s air conditioning during this intensely hot week!
Here’s to better luck next week!
On the bright side, I was released from hospital yesterday early evening. The report I received from the doctor regarding the CT scan was that the tumor had not grown (which is good news, obviously) although they didn’t have any further helpful info. They are guessing that the reason for the swelling is that they took me off the anti-inflammatory too soon. Of course there’s good reasons for that too… and bla bla bla.
In hospital they were able to try out a few new dosages of pain medication. Good for the pain management but not so good for life management. “What does she mean by that?” you might ask. These meds are at such high doses that I have body twitches and my hands shake and twitch (imagine typing on a keyboard when your hand is twitching all over the place). My brain is foggy at best and apparently I watched an entire 1 hour TV show last night that I don’t remember. Oh and I have the most interesting activity in my imagination let me tell you! I suppose more correctly they would be hallucinations. Anyway, you get the idea.
I don’t really know what else to tell you, I guess you’re already seeing that it’s been a pretty rough week. I’ve been working away at some of my writing that I was looking forward to posting here although nothing ever got finished.
So then, there you have it. It’s the best I can do with scramble for brains but at least it’s something. Oh…here’s another bright side…I got to enjoy the hospital’s air conditioning during this intensely hot week!
Here’s to better luck next week!
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Sorry for the short post but...
Hello Friends,
Just a quick update. I was admitted into the Vancouver Cancer Agency today due to severe abdominal pain and swelling. I will have a CT scan at 8:00 am to figure out why. Your prayers will be much appreciated during this difficult time.
Just a quick update. I was admitted into the Vancouver Cancer Agency today due to severe abdominal pain and swelling. I will have a CT scan at 8:00 am to figure out why. Your prayers will be much appreciated during this difficult time.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
At Long Last!
At long last...I'm writing again.
Once again I feel the need to apologize for the long time between posts. I have found putting thoughts together and writing a little extra difficult this week.
Pain levels had been hovering around the same intensity until a day or two ago…so Hallelujah!!!! At long last...I’ve finally found some pain relief!
Thank heavens and the doctors for finally adjusting my pain meds. My brain is still a little foggy but at least I’m not in constant pain anymore.
The long weekend was great! We got home to Abbotsford and had the chance to catch up with several friends…again, Hallelujah! I’m a people person and I’ve been feeling very alone and isolated out in Vancouver so seeing friends was an absolute must, even with pain and fatigue. Being a long weekend we were blessed to see several people while still getting in the rest I needed. It was soooo good to finally make it to church again! Even with the group being much smaller than usual I was completely overwhelmed by the love in that place. I’ve felt so disjointed over the last month or more and so when you walk in it’s like walking through some special door into another land. I know, sounds hokey but with my limited brain power it’s the best description I can come up with.
In short…reconnecting with those I love this weekend filled me with incredible joy and life! Yay Me!!! And Thank You!
An update on the medical stuff…
Actually there’s not much to report as of yet. After radiation they leave everything alone for a month before any follow up tests because radiation still hangs around to do it’s stuff for a couple of weeks (or at least that’s how I understand it). I see my oncologist tomorrow for a general follow up, which consists of me telling her about what’s been going on with me over the last few weeks. Then she’ll set up an appointment with my radiologist and follow up CT scans and such. I probably still won’t know anything for a few more weeks. It’s certainly an odd time of waiting but what can you do?
I’ve spent the last few days pondering what else I could write about but kept coming up dry so I guess that’s it for today. I guess that’s ok since I’d have to tape my eye lids open if I were to write anything else tonight so I it’s off to sleep with me.
Nighty night Beloved.
Once again I feel the need to apologize for the long time between posts. I have found putting thoughts together and writing a little extra difficult this week.
Pain levels had been hovering around the same intensity until a day or two ago…so Hallelujah!!!! At long last...I’ve finally found some pain relief!
Thank heavens and the doctors for finally adjusting my pain meds. My brain is still a little foggy but at least I’m not in constant pain anymore.
The long weekend was great! We got home to Abbotsford and had the chance to catch up with several friends…again, Hallelujah! I’m a people person and I’ve been feeling very alone and isolated out in Vancouver so seeing friends was an absolute must, even with pain and fatigue. Being a long weekend we were blessed to see several people while still getting in the rest I needed. It was soooo good to finally make it to church again! Even with the group being much smaller than usual I was completely overwhelmed by the love in that place. I’ve felt so disjointed over the last month or more and so when you walk in it’s like walking through some special door into another land. I know, sounds hokey but with my limited brain power it’s the best description I can come up with.
In short…reconnecting with those I love this weekend filled me with incredible joy and life! Yay Me!!! And Thank You!
An update on the medical stuff…
Actually there’s not much to report as of yet. After radiation they leave everything alone for a month before any follow up tests because radiation still hangs around to do it’s stuff for a couple of weeks (or at least that’s how I understand it). I see my oncologist tomorrow for a general follow up, which consists of me telling her about what’s been going on with me over the last few weeks. Then she’ll set up an appointment with my radiologist and follow up CT scans and such. I probably still won’t know anything for a few more weeks. It’s certainly an odd time of waiting but what can you do?
I’ve spent the last few days pondering what else I could write about but kept coming up dry so I guess that’s it for today. I guess that’s ok since I’d have to tape my eye lids open if I were to write anything else tonight so I it’s off to sleep with me.
Nighty night Beloved.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
The Devolving Soul
Where do you get your worth from?
Is it from your job and how well you do there?
Is it your place in the family? Wife, mother, sister, daughter…
Is it from your place in your community group or organization? Perhaps church or some other like minded group?
I’m sitting on the curb pondering the pieces that currently make up my life.
At first glance it looks like a child’s puzzle with big pieces. Some creased or torn a bit but its ok, looks like it will be fun anyway. Each piece has a title … like the heart shaped one is called “Duane’s heart”. Simple, yet perfect in shape.
Another one labeled “beauty” decorated in pretty pink sparkly things. This one is interesting in that it’s also a note pad. You can lift the top and inside are more words on each page. Eyes, Lips and Body bits. Although not written, one could feel the expectations behind them. The expectations change though, depending on the age you are when flipping through the pages.
What stood out to me most is the simplicity of it all. Yes, some of the pieces may have some sparkles and feathers but the true intent grows from child like innocence and simplicity. That is what kept me intrigued.
You see, I feel like this is what my life has boiled down to over the last month. When all the complicated busy things of life have been taken away … what pieces are you left with? Really?
As for me, for right now, I’m left feeling alone and abandoned. Everything I’m used to life being is gone for the moment! The people I spend time with, the things I do, the books I read….all gone. My mind is still here but my self reliance and self sufficiency have been snatched away. Ultimately I must ask for help in everything I do because of increased pain, decreased strength or drug induced stupor. I can’t focus on reading, email or decent conversation for the same reasons. And now what?
I call it “the devolving soul”.
Here we die again….
There is a positive spin here somewhere, I can feel it. There is a renewed childlike perspective that finally has a chance to grow from this heap of manure. Oh, hello little Me!
But is it sustainable? Can the new growth continue to flourish amidst its older counterpart? Is it perhaps time to heavily weed the old growth, trim back the dead for life’s sake? Great but sounds painful…again.
I’m weary and have little left for more pain; perhaps a little more sleep on the subject might help…might.
Is it from your job and how well you do there?
Is it your place in the family? Wife, mother, sister, daughter…
Is it from your place in your community group or organization? Perhaps church or some other like minded group?
I’m sitting on the curb pondering the pieces that currently make up my life.
At first glance it looks like a child’s puzzle with big pieces. Some creased or torn a bit but its ok, looks like it will be fun anyway. Each piece has a title … like the heart shaped one is called “Duane’s heart”. Simple, yet perfect in shape.
Another one labeled “beauty” decorated in pretty pink sparkly things. This one is interesting in that it’s also a note pad. You can lift the top and inside are more words on each page. Eyes, Lips and Body bits. Although not written, one could feel the expectations behind them. The expectations change though, depending on the age you are when flipping through the pages.
What stood out to me most is the simplicity of it all. Yes, some of the pieces may have some sparkles and feathers but the true intent grows from child like innocence and simplicity. That is what kept me intrigued.
You see, I feel like this is what my life has boiled down to over the last month. When all the complicated busy things of life have been taken away … what pieces are you left with? Really?
As for me, for right now, I’m left feeling alone and abandoned. Everything I’m used to life being is gone for the moment! The people I spend time with, the things I do, the books I read….all gone. My mind is still here but my self reliance and self sufficiency have been snatched away. Ultimately I must ask for help in everything I do because of increased pain, decreased strength or drug induced stupor. I can’t focus on reading, email or decent conversation for the same reasons. And now what?
I call it “the devolving soul”.
Here we die again….
There is a positive spin here somewhere, I can feel it. There is a renewed childlike perspective that finally has a chance to grow from this heap of manure. Oh, hello little Me!
But is it sustainable? Can the new growth continue to flourish amidst its older counterpart? Is it perhaps time to heavily weed the old growth, trim back the dead for life’s sake? Great but sounds painful…again.
I’m weary and have little left for more pain; perhaps a little more sleep on the subject might help…might.
Friday, June 22, 2007
A Week in Review
I was released from the Cancer Agency last Saturday around noon, heading into Abbotsford shortly thereafter. Coupling my nausea with the badly pot holed West End roads, the drive was an interesting challenge needless to say.
Visistors…
I would like to take a moment to thank all my visitors over the past few hospital weeks! Also heartfelt thank you’s to everyone who wanted to come but distance and circumstance made it impossible …I know your hearts and I thank you. Thank you to the emailers and poster’s as well! As you can imagine, when you’re all but shut out from the outside world with just cancer swirling about, things can get dreary. A massive “THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!” to my New York visitors. Mike, Tim and Ron – it was so great to see you guys, what an awesome surprise!!! Hope my conversation was at least mostly coherent (being on the meds and all). Really! Your visit was very special!
Of course I would be remiss if I did not mention Duane’s daily visits. We can often put the regularity of family visits in an assumed place on the shelf but we must make mention of and appreciate those who join us in the monotony of everyday hospital living. With a schedule of sleep, work, hospital, sleep, work, hospital, sleep, work, pick up new mp3 player for Carin ;-), hospital…they too are hospitalized in a way. Thanks for sticking it through with me!
The Weekend…
Upon arriving in Abbotsford I bee lined it for a very few of the must do’s before everything closed. Then finally…PIZZA! Hmmmmmm. After two weeks of hospital food I needed something really yummy, even if it needed to be tolerated with a mit full of anti nausea meds! The rest of the evening was enjoyed sleeping in my own bed! Hmmmmmm. Another coup of the night!
Sunday! Yay Sunday!!! I have been missing my friends at Fresh Wind so very much and seeing everyone was a highlight beyond words. I love you guys!!!
After church it was off to mom and dad’s for fathers day lunch where I watched them watch me be all blurry eyed trying to stay lucid amidst the pain and nausea meds. Needless to say I was the comedic relief of the day.
Sunday night and it’s back to Vancouver for us. Although treatments have officially ended, as I noted in my last post, my treatments where compounding so my body doesn’t yet know that treatments have stopped. Thank heavens that’s in the body clock for this week (please please please!!!)
The Week…
How to sum up the week? Thankfully I’ve been able to dramatically decrease the anti nausea medications I’ve been taking, so that’s really good. The pain meds are unfortunately a different story. I’m still on those as consistently as ever which makes doing life really hard. Actually sitting at home doing practically nothing is about all I can manage…and I really really really hate that! Even simply staying on task to write this dreadfully difficult. I won’t tell you how long it’s taking me to write it ;-) What little energy I did have for the week went into dealing with some family stuff, some new, some old, all of it draining. Amidst it all there were a couple of positive breakthroughs in a week full of anger and frustration.
Well…it may not be a great summation but it’s 4am and I need to try and get some more sleep. I’m heading into a conference weekend starting tomorrow with Murray Dueck and Eric McCooeye titled “Power in the Rest” Unlocking the secrets of the Resting Place (check it out at http://www.samuelsmantle.com/) Saying I could use a refresher on the subject would be rather redundant but I am looking forward to it tremendously. Eric is one of the spiritual fathers of our church and although I’ve heard him speak on the resting place several times it never gets old. It could technically be the same message each time but it’s a new message each time because you are at a different place in life each time you hear it. So when the spirit is willing, it really is brand new every time!
Kay, so I’ve begun to blather…
Weekend should be good, have got a hotel room in Langley for the weekend to ensure lots of rest for between those busy conference sessions. Rest, rest and resting…rather fitting don’t you think! My heart is set on seeing my loved ones from Samuel’s Mantle (which I’ve missed for at least the last month) and hopefully some from the Fresh Wind family too (it feels as if I’ve bee out of the loop there for nearly that long as well which is really hard on my heart.)
If you feel lead…please pray that the pain would subside so I could reduce the amount of pain meds I need so I can simply begin doing life again…would be so nice.
Love to you all!
Carin
Visistors…
I would like to take a moment to thank all my visitors over the past few hospital weeks! Also heartfelt thank you’s to everyone who wanted to come but distance and circumstance made it impossible …I know your hearts and I thank you. Thank you to the emailers and poster’s as well! As you can imagine, when you’re all but shut out from the outside world with just cancer swirling about, things can get dreary. A massive “THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!” to my New York visitors. Mike, Tim and Ron – it was so great to see you guys, what an awesome surprise!!! Hope my conversation was at least mostly coherent (being on the meds and all). Really! Your visit was very special!
Of course I would be remiss if I did not mention Duane’s daily visits. We can often put the regularity of family visits in an assumed place on the shelf but we must make mention of and appreciate those who join us in the monotony of everyday hospital living. With a schedule of sleep, work, hospital, sleep, work, hospital, sleep, work, pick up new mp3 player for Carin ;-), hospital…they too are hospitalized in a way. Thanks for sticking it through with me!
The Weekend…
Upon arriving in Abbotsford I bee lined it for a very few of the must do’s before everything closed. Then finally…PIZZA! Hmmmmmm. After two weeks of hospital food I needed something really yummy, even if it needed to be tolerated with a mit full of anti nausea meds! The rest of the evening was enjoyed sleeping in my own bed! Hmmmmmm. Another coup of the night!
Sunday! Yay Sunday!!! I have been missing my friends at Fresh Wind so very much and seeing everyone was a highlight beyond words. I love you guys!!!
After church it was off to mom and dad’s for fathers day lunch where I watched them watch me be all blurry eyed trying to stay lucid amidst the pain and nausea meds. Needless to say I was the comedic relief of the day.
Sunday night and it’s back to Vancouver for us. Although treatments have officially ended, as I noted in my last post, my treatments where compounding so my body doesn’t yet know that treatments have stopped. Thank heavens that’s in the body clock for this week (please please please!!!)
The Week…
How to sum up the week? Thankfully I’ve been able to dramatically decrease the anti nausea medications I’ve been taking, so that’s really good. The pain meds are unfortunately a different story. I’m still on those as consistently as ever which makes doing life really hard. Actually sitting at home doing practically nothing is about all I can manage…and I really really really hate that! Even simply staying on task to write this dreadfully difficult. I won’t tell you how long it’s taking me to write it ;-) What little energy I did have for the week went into dealing with some family stuff, some new, some old, all of it draining. Amidst it all there were a couple of positive breakthroughs in a week full of anger and frustration.
Well…it may not be a great summation but it’s 4am and I need to try and get some more sleep. I’m heading into a conference weekend starting tomorrow with Murray Dueck and Eric McCooeye titled “Power in the Rest” Unlocking the secrets of the Resting Place (check it out at http://www.samuelsmantle.com/) Saying I could use a refresher on the subject would be rather redundant but I am looking forward to it tremendously. Eric is one of the spiritual fathers of our church and although I’ve heard him speak on the resting place several times it never gets old. It could technically be the same message each time but it’s a new message each time because you are at a different place in life each time you hear it. So when the spirit is willing, it really is brand new every time!
Kay, so I’ve begun to blather…
Weekend should be good, have got a hotel room in Langley for the weekend to ensure lots of rest for between those busy conference sessions. Rest, rest and resting…rather fitting don’t you think! My heart is set on seeing my loved ones from Samuel’s Mantle (which I’ve missed for at least the last month) and hopefully some from the Fresh Wind family too (it feels as if I’ve bee out of the loop there for nearly that long as well which is really hard on my heart.)
If you feel lead…please pray that the pain would subside so I could reduce the amount of pain meds I need so I can simply begin doing life again…would be so nice.
Love to you all!
Carin
Monday, June 18, 2007
Here I Am!!!
Hello Beloved!
So I’ve left all you faithful blog checkers hanging a little bit – my apologies.
As per my last entry, I was in fact in the hospital until this past Saturday. The days blurred into weeks and being heavily medicated made coherent writing impossible. I thank you for your patience and prayers during the dead space.
Today will be short as well as I am still on many pain meds and articulate conversation is understandably difficult. Thursday was my last radiation appointment but the body continues to react to the compounding treatment. In short, my body doesn’t yet know the treatment has stopped…if that makes any sense. This can go on for up to another two weeks yet the side effects should begin to reduce in severity.
As for me, I’m living in the moment more than I ever have before, it’s weird and great all at the same time. I can’t really explain it but it’s cool.
In the days to come I will try to write in my more lucid moments as I do have much to tell! After all, it’s been two weeks.
Much love to you all…till tomorrow.
Carin
So I’ve left all you faithful blog checkers hanging a little bit – my apologies.
As per my last entry, I was in fact in the hospital until this past Saturday. The days blurred into weeks and being heavily medicated made coherent writing impossible. I thank you for your patience and prayers during the dead space.
Today will be short as well as I am still on many pain meds and articulate conversation is understandably difficult. Thursday was my last radiation appointment but the body continues to react to the compounding treatment. In short, my body doesn’t yet know the treatment has stopped…if that makes any sense. This can go on for up to another two weeks yet the side effects should begin to reduce in severity.
As for me, I’m living in the moment more than I ever have before, it’s weird and great all at the same time. I can’t really explain it but it’s cool.
In the days to come I will try to write in my more lucid moments as I do have much to tell! After all, it’s been two weeks.
Much love to you all…till tomorrow.
Carin
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Hello Friends.
I'm writing from a medicated groggy place today so forgive me if my thoughts and writings aren't clear.
I'm here just to drop you a quick note to bring you up to speed. Actually I hand wrote it and my hubby posted it. He's so awesome.
I was in Emergency at VGH. I won't bore you with the trivial details of waiting in Emergency as I imagine you've all likely encountered it. I went due to extraordinary abdominal pain. Although the sore spot was right next to my tumor (lower right) I was also a little concerned it might be the beginnings of an appendicitis and didn’t want to mess around with that.
Long story short… at 1 in the afternoon I was transferred to the BC Cancer Agency to be looked after by my cancer doctors. They’re considering it a pain crisis and are working diligently to come up with a combination of meds that will substantially ease my pain and nausea. They are all so GREAT here!
I may be in here for 2 weeks of treatment therefore I may not be able to post for the duration. If possible, Duane may post any further updates for me. (Like this one)
Anywho, Once again your prayers are extremely appreciated.
Love & Blessings to you!
Carin
I'm writing from a medicated groggy place today so forgive me if my thoughts and writings aren't clear.
I'm here just to drop you a quick note to bring you up to speed. Actually I hand wrote it and my hubby posted it. He's so awesome.
I was in Emergency at VGH. I won't bore you with the trivial details of waiting in Emergency as I imagine you've all likely encountered it. I went due to extraordinary abdominal pain. Although the sore spot was right next to my tumor (lower right) I was also a little concerned it might be the beginnings of an appendicitis and didn’t want to mess around with that.
Long story short… at 1 in the afternoon I was transferred to the BC Cancer Agency to be looked after by my cancer doctors. They’re considering it a pain crisis and are working diligently to come up with a combination of meds that will substantially ease my pain and nausea. They are all so GREAT here!
I may be in here for 2 weeks of treatment therefore I may not be able to post for the duration. If possible, Duane may post any further updates for me. (Like this one)
Anywho, Once again your prayers are extremely appreciated.
Love & Blessings to you!
Carin
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Last Week
Hello All
This week has been rather difficult and continues to be and that’s why I haven’t written anything. I’ve been in bed with intense pain and nausea for most of this week so I’ve barely been able to check my emails let alone put together something coherent for here. I trust the dr’s will finally be able to give me some pain meds that will actually work tomorrow and so I hope to write more soon.
Hope you have a great week!
CM
This week has been rather difficult and continues to be and that’s why I haven’t written anything. I’ve been in bed with intense pain and nausea for most of this week so I’ve barely been able to check my emails let alone put together something coherent for here. I trust the dr’s will finally be able to give me some pain meds that will actually work tomorrow and so I hope to write more soon.
Hope you have a great week!
CM
Monday, May 28, 2007
As for Today
So, let’s just dig in. I’ve been fighting with a slight issue of nausea which is to be expected but for the last 24 hours it’s been nausea and a sore abdomen. That too is to be expected from the radiation but it’s all a big pain (ha in both meanings!) I need to take anti nausea meds and now pain meds which cause even more nausea all of which make me sleepy. It’s going to be a bit tricky to find the exact right combination of everything so that I don’t have to spend the next three weeks in bed. Needless to say, today has been a more difficult day so I’m going to keep this short.
Thanks again for all your comments and requests, how fun is that! I’ll try to address the question of what I’ve been up to since high school tomorrow. Do feel free to drop requests anytime.
As for today I’d like to answer another question that perhaps several of you have. Hope you don’t mind me sharing it ;-)
“I wonder when I read your blog sometimes, is your typing part of bringing yourself to a positive place of peace, part of the working through thoughts that keep you trusting or are you really that positive naturally?”
The answer is actually – all the above! I try to live in a positive state as much as I can but I do have those hard days, those days where you just want to scream and punch a wall. Usually though, those who love me don’t let me stay there for too long, they point out the good stuff and that helps refocus my perspective. That brings me to an issue I’ve had to deal with and try to work through for 17 years (since my first cancer experience) It’s hard to watch someone you love struggle and there in lies a huge challenge for both the person who’s sick (or whatever) and those who care about them. There’s a delicate balance between helping someone stay positive and letting them grieve when they need to. For the better part of 17 years, my experience is that people generally don’t like to see others struggle; they want to swoop in and fix it or at least distract you long enough to see you smile again…knowing you’re ok makes them feel better. They don’t realize they may be squashing the process you’re going through. It may have its place when someone is wallowing but in my case it caused deep heart wounds that were only revealed this time round. Because sometimes you just need a good cry fest. My experience with this has shaped the way I deal with all grief and only in the last couple of years have I realize I wasn’t “dealing” well in a healthy way. As I mentioned in a previous post I still can’t really cry in public …don’t want to make anyone feel bad. Crazy crazy I know…I still have a ways to go.
Hmmm, where did that come from? As you can see the blog is definitely a place of processing for me as well. It causes me to think things through more than I might usually. I look at what I’m feeling and try to identify the real source and not just whatever it was that triggered it. Never the less, I hope that answers your question, all be it in a round about way. Mostly though, I hope it helps people see that even the eternal optimist will always have their down moments no matter what they say.
So much for short ;-S
I must sleep now. Nighty night!
Thanks again for all your comments and requests, how fun is that! I’ll try to address the question of what I’ve been up to since high school tomorrow. Do feel free to drop requests anytime.
As for today I’d like to answer another question that perhaps several of you have. Hope you don’t mind me sharing it ;-)
“I wonder when I read your blog sometimes, is your typing part of bringing yourself to a positive place of peace, part of the working through thoughts that keep you trusting or are you really that positive naturally?”
The answer is actually – all the above! I try to live in a positive state as much as I can but I do have those hard days, those days where you just want to scream and punch a wall. Usually though, those who love me don’t let me stay there for too long, they point out the good stuff and that helps refocus my perspective. That brings me to an issue I’ve had to deal with and try to work through for 17 years (since my first cancer experience) It’s hard to watch someone you love struggle and there in lies a huge challenge for both the person who’s sick (or whatever) and those who care about them. There’s a delicate balance between helping someone stay positive and letting them grieve when they need to. For the better part of 17 years, my experience is that people generally don’t like to see others struggle; they want to swoop in and fix it or at least distract you long enough to see you smile again…knowing you’re ok makes them feel better. They don’t realize they may be squashing the process you’re going through. It may have its place when someone is wallowing but in my case it caused deep heart wounds that were only revealed this time round. Because sometimes you just need a good cry fest. My experience with this has shaped the way I deal with all grief and only in the last couple of years have I realize I wasn’t “dealing” well in a healthy way. As I mentioned in a previous post I still can’t really cry in public …don’t want to make anyone feel bad. Crazy crazy I know…I still have a ways to go.
Hmmm, where did that come from? As you can see the blog is definitely a place of processing for me as well. It causes me to think things through more than I might usually. I look at what I’m feeling and try to identify the real source and not just whatever it was that triggered it. Never the less, I hope that answers your question, all be it in a round about way. Mostly though, I hope it helps people see that even the eternal optimist will always have their down moments no matter what they say.
So much for short ;-S
I must sleep now. Nighty night!
Friday, May 25, 2007
Thankful Fors!
Beloved Friends
My apologies for not posting much this week. Here’s an extra long post to make up for it.
I’ve been enjoying getting used to relaxing. You’d think I’d have that down by now considering I left work in October but it turns out it’s an elusive state for me to get used to… until this week :-) The week was full of ups and downs, much a repeat of last week’s posts. I was able to get out to the beach for about an hour a day (any more than that and I’d fry, even with skin that loves the sun). Duane and I had BBQ on the beach twice as well – truly beautiful!
Radiation treatments are becoming normal and the ladies that work there are amazing! Today was interesting … the power went out for the whole cancer agency. Doctors, nurses and patients were all just hanging out, it was rather an odd sight. I went to the mall across the street for an hour and upon returning my radiation therapist said that they’d be down for another few hours. Thankfully I was allowed to skip treatment today and just add an extra one on to the end. Hanging out at the cancer agency all day wasn’t my idea of a good time, regardless of how awesome the staff is. To the beach! Hehehe
As for todays post I’d like to do some “Thankful Fors”. It all started with my sister and her kids. “Let’s do thankful fors” one of them pipes up as we’re eating dinner at mom and dads one day. Naturally it was thanksgiving I believe but it’s been something that stuck for a while. So here are some of mine…
Carin’s Thankful Fors…
I’m thankful for my hubby Duane! He’s the best hubby ever! He’s so understanding and encouraging. Talks me down and helps me refocus on what’s important when the hard bits appear. He’s taking really really good care of me – Thanks hun! You da bestest!!!
Location, location, location! The picture above is a street I get to drive everyday.
So despite being away from all those I love in Abbotsford (and Yarrow ;-) I’m beginning to love the area. Really, how can’t you when you’re minutes away from the beach! Are you seeing a theme yet? Can you guess where my new happy place is? THE BEACH! Wanna come for BBQ some day? You’ll see what I mean! And the people watching…fascinating!
It’s not only the beach that has me mesmerized. The Nitobi Garden (pic below) at UBC is …well…beyond words. It’s my favorite place for contemplation.
My apologies for not posting much this week. Here’s an extra long post to make up for it.
I’ve been enjoying getting used to relaxing. You’d think I’d have that down by now considering I left work in October but it turns out it’s an elusive state for me to get used to… until this week :-) The week was full of ups and downs, much a repeat of last week’s posts. I was able to get out to the beach for about an hour a day (any more than that and I’d fry, even with skin that loves the sun). Duane and I had BBQ on the beach twice as well – truly beautiful!
Radiation treatments are becoming normal and the ladies that work there are amazing! Today was interesting … the power went out for the whole cancer agency. Doctors, nurses and patients were all just hanging out, it was rather an odd sight. I went to the mall across the street for an hour and upon returning my radiation therapist said that they’d be down for another few hours. Thankfully I was allowed to skip treatment today and just add an extra one on to the end. Hanging out at the cancer agency all day wasn’t my idea of a good time, regardless of how awesome the staff is. To the beach! Hehehe
As for todays post I’d like to do some “Thankful Fors”. It all started with my sister and her kids. “Let’s do thankful fors” one of them pipes up as we’re eating dinner at mom and dads one day. Naturally it was thanksgiving I believe but it’s been something that stuck for a while. So here are some of mine…
Carin’s Thankful Fors…
I’m thankful for my hubby Duane! He’s the best hubby ever! He’s so understanding and encouraging. Talks me down and helps me refocus on what’s important when the hard bits appear. He’s taking really really good care of me – Thanks hun! You da bestest!!!
Location, location, location! The picture above is a street I get to drive everyday. So despite being away from all those I love in Abbotsford (and Yarrow ;-) I’m beginning to love the area. Really, how can’t you when you’re minutes away from the beach! Are you seeing a theme yet? Can you guess where my new happy place is? THE BEACH! Wanna come for BBQ some day? You’ll see what I mean! And the people watching…fascinating!
It’s not only the beach that has me mesmerized. The Nitobi Garden (pic below) at UBC is …well…beyond words. It’s my favorite place for contemplation.
We had the distinct pleasure of sharing it with friends Andy and Jacquie on Monday (pic below). Thanks so much for coming to visit you guys! We had a really great time! Yay!!! (That’s me being thankful!)
Which brings me to loved ones! That would be you! Family and friends, church folk and fellow Samuel’s Mantlers. I miss you all like crazy. I have received so much love and encouragement via emails, cards and comments – thank you thank you! God’s got me surrounded with the most amazing people and I am extremely thankful for that!
I would be remiss if I didn’t make mention of the new old friends that have touched base with me via this page. Ladies I once knew from many many moons ago, those good ole high school days. Thank you for your comments! I think it’s so cool and your interest tickles my heart!
Treatments! Yes I know that may sound odd as cancer treatments are generally no fun but I am SOOOO thankful that they exist, without them I might not. I bless those that work in giving them and those who work at creating better ones. THANK YOU!
(Don't worry, I am still wearing a tank shirt in the picture below...that's me seconds before a radiation treatment.)
In this section I have to make mention of Paul. A 77 year old man I met yesterday in the waiting area of unit 5. He’s a volunteer who brings a cart of coffee and treats all around the agency on Thursdays. He is full of life and love and is more than happy to share his story. He was once a patient here and had to go though 37 treatments. He says “I'm ok as long as I’m wearing this coat (indicating his volunteers vest) and not that one (pointing at a hospital gown like thing that's used for treatment) ” I had opportunity to visit with him briefly and he was quick to thank God’s grace for his recovery. “I’m a Christian you know” he continues. The exuberance in which he shared his faith was awesome! Nothing pushy, no bible thumping involved, just a man thankful and excited about life and wanting to shout it from the roof tops. I don’t have that gift of boldness but seeing his excitement made me ever so slightly envious. For your contagious exuberance, Paul I thank you!
Thank you all for sharing in my journey. Till next time...May you and yours be blessed!
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Carin on Kits
The breeze off the ocean
So clean, refreshing
The sun beating down
So warm, enveloping
The sand conforming
So perfect, relaxing
To find a place like this
Untouched by man’s hand
Would be paradise!
So clean, refreshing
The sun beating down
So warm, enveloping
The sand conforming
So perfect, relaxing
To find a place like this
Untouched by man’s hand
Would be paradise!
Alas, I am not alone
3 o’clock and all of the west end descends
Hollering teenagers
Music blaring
The party begins
Coarse mouthed burnouts
Partying too
Smoken up a storm
The wind and water act as a megaphone
Forced unintentional ease dropping
A Buddhist monk walks by
And why not?
A clash of the worlds on Kits beach
The only words exchanged
“you’ll never move that log” and
“sorry man” when a football goes astray
Everyone so different
Yet all congregate for the same reason
Warmth, beauty, community = the beach
3 o’clock and all of the west end descends
Hollering teenagers
Music blaring
The party begins
Coarse mouthed burnouts
Partying too
Smoken up a storm
The wind and water act as a megaphone
Forced unintentional ease dropping
A Buddhist monk walks by
And why not?
A clash of the worlds on Kits beach
The only words exchanged
“you’ll never move that log” and
“sorry man” when a football goes astray
Everyone so different
Yet all congregate for the same reason
Warmth, beauty, community = the beach
As for tomorrow
I arrive earlier
With my iPod
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Yesterday's News
What’s this feeling? A funk? Melancholy with a dash of anger thrown in just for fun? What kind of cruel joke is that? You’re just sitting there minding your own business doing what you can to be up beat and happy and then Blamo!!! Out of no where the funk hits you, no warning, nothing. You know the day, where everything that usually bugs you is just mega amped up and there’s nothing you can do to change your mood. Those little things…the car in front of you doesn’t use his signal (I hate that!), road construction on every freaken street you drive on (that would be the entire West End), getting the wrong order at the drive through and only realizing it when you’re on the freeway, forgetting your hair dryer in Vancouver. Kay, so that last one won’t apply to most of you but you get the idea. No matter how much chocolate you eat or shoes you buy, you just don’t feel better. For the record I didn’t eat a pound of chocolate or buy a bunch of shoes but my point is, you know nothing's going to help. Usually feeding me works (yes I’m one of those) but even that doesn’t help. It’s one of those days you wish you had a really fast car to hit the freeway with, no one around, no cops, just miles (sorry, Kilometers) of empty road and a full tank of gas.
And NO I’m not pms’ing…I know you were thinking it!
So I’m sitting in the church waiting for Duane’s Aunt’s funeral to begin, writing this on a little dingy scrap of paper in an attempt to get it out of my head (who knows maybe it’ll help) Then the song begins. “It is well, It is well, with my soul, with my soul. It is well, it is well, with my soul…” (you were signing it weren’t ya?) And then the waterworks begin. My heart screams “but it’s not! It’s not well with my soul! I’m angry! I’m tired! I’m weak! I’m sore! When will this ever end!?!” Although crying is completely appropriate at a funeral, I wasn’t prepared and found myself crying and snotting on everything and feeling so very alone. With the ever so faint bit of brain power I had left I thought “where would Jesus be right now?” Sure enough, He popped up beside me with his arm around me. (side note: for those of you who think that’s a strange thing to say, we can talk and I’ll explain it or you can just read Brad Jersak’s book “Can you hear me?” All I ask is that you keep an open mind and remember this is my experience and not a theological debate. If you’re looking for that I can direct you to some pretty cool and very super intelligent friends of mine.) Where was I? Oh ya, Jesus’ arm around me…it brought me comfort for a few seconds but then the thought pops into my head “this is a funeral, these people are grieving and you’re thinking about yourself. You’re wondering where Jesus is for you right now and they just lost their mom/grandma/friend. Isn’t that selfish of you….” and so on. Normally I would have given that a bit more thought and perhaps even bought into it for a little longer but today I was at the end of myself and I didn’t even have the strength to buy into the lie that the nasty little guy on my shoulder was trying to serve me. All I could do was cry.
Turns out that’s exactly what my heart needed. Just as quickly as the funk landed it lifted and was gone. Hmmm, fascinating, but mostly...I’m just thankful for the relief.
And NO I’m not pms’ing…I know you were thinking it!
So I’m sitting in the church waiting for Duane’s Aunt’s funeral to begin, writing this on a little dingy scrap of paper in an attempt to get it out of my head (who knows maybe it’ll help) Then the song begins. “It is well, It is well, with my soul, with my soul. It is well, it is well, with my soul…” (you were signing it weren’t ya?) And then the waterworks begin. My heart screams “but it’s not! It’s not well with my soul! I’m angry! I’m tired! I’m weak! I’m sore! When will this ever end!?!” Although crying is completely appropriate at a funeral, I wasn’t prepared and found myself crying and snotting on everything and feeling so very alone. With the ever so faint bit of brain power I had left I thought “where would Jesus be right now?” Sure enough, He popped up beside me with his arm around me. (side note: for those of you who think that’s a strange thing to say, we can talk and I’ll explain it or you can just read Brad Jersak’s book “Can you hear me?” All I ask is that you keep an open mind and remember this is my experience and not a theological debate. If you’re looking for that I can direct you to some pretty cool and very super intelligent friends of mine.) Where was I? Oh ya, Jesus’ arm around me…it brought me comfort for a few seconds but then the thought pops into my head “this is a funeral, these people are grieving and you’re thinking about yourself. You’re wondering where Jesus is for you right now and they just lost their mom/grandma/friend. Isn’t that selfish of you….” and so on. Normally I would have given that a bit more thought and perhaps even bought into it for a little longer but today I was at the end of myself and I didn’t even have the strength to buy into the lie that the nasty little guy on my shoulder was trying to serve me. All I could do was cry.
Turns out that’s exactly what my heart needed. Just as quickly as the funk landed it lifted and was gone. Hmmm, fascinating, but mostly...I’m just thankful for the relief.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Three down...17 to go!
Hello Friends!
To my pleasant surprise the radiation technicians that work Unit 5 (that's my unit :-) are truly amazing! So far I've worked with Kim everyday this week and then Chrystal and Joan as well. They are so kind and friendly! Now that I'm over the initial shock and unknown of radiation treatments, visiting with these ladies is a highlight and gift! Cool eh!?!
Oh get this!!! I'll be getting copies of some of my CT scans and guess what I'm going to do with them? Hehehe You guessed it! There going up here. To quote my friend Marcia, how super mega awesome cool is that!?! Talk about vulnerability...you'll be able to see my insides, literally! Hahahaha, I just love that. Leave it to Duane to ask if we could get copies, I would never have thought to ask. So that's something to look forward to and perhaps keep you coming back to check it out. I took some other pictures today but realized I forgot the computer connector cord for the digital camera so it'll be one more day of just text.
Ok, so now that I've had three sessions I should probably address that.
The first session went fine, I was just a bit nervous because this was my first experience with radiation. I was nauseous that afternoon but since the nausea hasn't returned I suppose it may have come from something else. Makes me happy!
Session two was more difficult for me. It was a really busy day and by the time I got to the hospital I was exhausted which seemed to amplify everything. Let me explain...you're not normally supposed to feel the radiation because it's just concentrated x-rays. As for me however, I could actually feel the tumor throbbing when receiving the first beam. With the second beam I could feel my skin sort of tingle and burn a bit. Thankfully I didn't feel anything for the third beam. Perhaps I should explain the different beams as well. For each treatment I get three beams of radiation that are directed into my belly from three different positions, one from the left, one from the top and one from the right. Each beam has a different dose so they run for different amounts of time anywhere for 40-60 some odd seconds each. Clear as mud no doubt. As for the afternoon of the second session my belly was rather swollen. You know, it's weird to feel swelling on the inside of your body! All together my body felt a bit off, I can't describe it any better than that. I blame all these odd sensations on having run myself down before treatment. Like my body battery was empty and I couldn't do anything till it was recharged. Even receiving the treatment this day was too much, I was just done and my emotions surfaced while lying on the table. Couldn't do much about it though, I have to lie perfectly still during treatment and besides, they have cameras on me...can't let them see me cry. Now don't panic, I cry, I just prefer it to be in private mostly. Except for that one day in church, wait...make that two. Actually I cry at church a lot but usually it's a good kinda happy cry. In retrospect that bad day I had in public (as I tried to explain it) surprised most people, I guess they hadn't really ever seen me like that. Hmmm, does that make me fake or private or just a generally happy person? Hang on a second, I can cry in public when it's bearing with someone else, I guess it's just my own stuff I don't go public with...she says as she's writing a very open and honest blog. WEIRD!!!
Sorry about the rabbit trail folks, now back to the topic at hand. Session three, being today, went seamlessly. No odd sensations during treatment and so far no side effects except for feeling a little weak. So now I know that I do have to get quality sleep and eat reasonably well and I should be ok! Who would have thunk it?
As for tonight, Duane’s back off to Abbotsford with my furry and slightly prickly friends. His 90 year old Aunt’s funeral is tomorrow and rather than fight the morning traffic he decided to head out tonight. That’s right, I’ll be at his place and he’ll be at mine. I’m finding my reaction to the whole thing rather strange, I’m sad and a little angry. It’s all really irrational so maybe I’ll just chop it up to the fact it’s been a hard week. Ya, it’s all kinda backing up on me now rather unexpectedly. I guess it’s time to go press into Jesus.
Good night all
To my pleasant surprise the radiation technicians that work Unit 5 (that's my unit :-) are truly amazing! So far I've worked with Kim everyday this week and then Chrystal and Joan as well. They are so kind and friendly! Now that I'm over the initial shock and unknown of radiation treatments, visiting with these ladies is a highlight and gift! Cool eh!?!
Oh get this!!! I'll be getting copies of some of my CT scans and guess what I'm going to do with them? Hehehe You guessed it! There going up here. To quote my friend Marcia, how super mega awesome cool is that!?! Talk about vulnerability...you'll be able to see my insides, literally! Hahahaha, I just love that. Leave it to Duane to ask if we could get copies, I would never have thought to ask. So that's something to look forward to and perhaps keep you coming back to check it out. I took some other pictures today but realized I forgot the computer connector cord for the digital camera so it'll be one more day of just text.
Ok, so now that I've had three sessions I should probably address that.
The first session went fine, I was just a bit nervous because this was my first experience with radiation. I was nauseous that afternoon but since the nausea hasn't returned I suppose it may have come from something else. Makes me happy!
Session two was more difficult for me. It was a really busy day and by the time I got to the hospital I was exhausted which seemed to amplify everything. Let me explain...you're not normally supposed to feel the radiation because it's just concentrated x-rays. As for me however, I could actually feel the tumor throbbing when receiving the first beam. With the second beam I could feel my skin sort of tingle and burn a bit. Thankfully I didn't feel anything for the third beam. Perhaps I should explain the different beams as well. For each treatment I get three beams of radiation that are directed into my belly from three different positions, one from the left, one from the top and one from the right. Each beam has a different dose so they run for different amounts of time anywhere for 40-60 some odd seconds each. Clear as mud no doubt. As for the afternoon of the second session my belly was rather swollen. You know, it's weird to feel swelling on the inside of your body! All together my body felt a bit off, I can't describe it any better than that. I blame all these odd sensations on having run myself down before treatment. Like my body battery was empty and I couldn't do anything till it was recharged. Even receiving the treatment this day was too much, I was just done and my emotions surfaced while lying on the table. Couldn't do much about it though, I have to lie perfectly still during treatment and besides, they have cameras on me...can't let them see me cry. Now don't panic, I cry, I just prefer it to be in private mostly. Except for that one day in church, wait...make that two. Actually I cry at church a lot but usually it's a good kinda happy cry. In retrospect that bad day I had in public (as I tried to explain it) surprised most people, I guess they hadn't really ever seen me like that. Hmmm, does that make me fake or private or just a generally happy person? Hang on a second, I can cry in public when it's bearing with someone else, I guess it's just my own stuff I don't go public with...she says as she's writing a very open and honest blog. WEIRD!!!
Sorry about the rabbit trail folks, now back to the topic at hand. Session three, being today, went seamlessly. No odd sensations during treatment and so far no side effects except for feeling a little weak. So now I know that I do have to get quality sleep and eat reasonably well and I should be ok! Who would have thunk it?
As for tonight, Duane’s back off to Abbotsford with my furry and slightly prickly friends. His 90 year old Aunt’s funeral is tomorrow and rather than fight the morning traffic he decided to head out tonight. That’s right, I’ll be at his place and he’ll be at mine. I’m finding my reaction to the whole thing rather strange, I’m sad and a little angry. It’s all really irrational so maybe I’ll just chop it up to the fact it’s been a hard week. Ya, it’s all kinda backing up on me now rather unexpectedly. I guess it’s time to go press into Jesus.
Good night all
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
31 Flavors & Miscellaneous Ramblings
It’s been a day full of emotions, perhaps even 31. Let’s see if I can do a quick run down.
Morning – weary but good
Mid Morning at Cancer Agency – Happy and spreading the sunshine! Am a bit nervous about getting my first ever radiation treatment. Still find myself utterly amazed at the beauty of the day.
Lunch – feel normal (as normal as I am anyway) Happy to organize Duane’s bachelor pad to accommodate me and all my girly necessities. Get frustrated when I look for a bible verse and the concordance in the back is of no help.
Afternoon – Hmmm, what’s this? Nausea?!? Bummer, not so soon!!! Mega disappointed and worried what this may mean for the 19 days ahead as side effects can be cumulative.
Early Evening – Still nauseated but happy to eat the awesome dinner Duane made – yay! He’s becoming quite the chef!
Evening - driving to Abbotsford to finish up some things that need doing tomorrow. I find myself disheartened that I have to leave Duane’s place. I’m suddenly saddened and overwhelmed with the question “how can we work it so we can be both near each other and near the other things we hold dear (i.e. job and community). Didn’t expect that one to come up so quick! Ah but driving for an hour gives you lots of time to ponder and do some house cleaning of the brain. I’m disappointed that I can’t help out with Murray’s conference as much as I’d like to this year, I was really looking forward to that. The nausea is back and that worries me again. I walk into my empty apartment and find myself lonely because the usual company, my cat and hedgehog, aren’t here. Finally, relief - the Gravol finally kicked in!
All in all I’m mostly apprehensive about all the unknowns I have yet to face.
So that may not list 31 but still, it’s been a draining day. I’ll try and tell you more about the actual treatments tomorrow.
I’m hoping to add some pictures and more interesting stuff than just text in the coming episodes but I'm still setting up my user on Duane’s computer properly so I have access to all the things I need. That wraps it up for today, sorry about the mess of thoughts but I gotta hit the hay! Sweet Dreams!
Morning – weary but good
Mid Morning at Cancer Agency – Happy and spreading the sunshine! Am a bit nervous about getting my first ever radiation treatment. Still find myself utterly amazed at the beauty of the day.
Lunch – feel normal (as normal as I am anyway) Happy to organize Duane’s bachelor pad to accommodate me and all my girly necessities. Get frustrated when I look for a bible verse and the concordance in the back is of no help.
Afternoon – Hmmm, what’s this? Nausea?!? Bummer, not so soon!!! Mega disappointed and worried what this may mean for the 19 days ahead as side effects can be cumulative.
Early Evening – Still nauseated but happy to eat the awesome dinner Duane made – yay! He’s becoming quite the chef!
Evening - driving to Abbotsford to finish up some things that need doing tomorrow. I find myself disheartened that I have to leave Duane’s place. I’m suddenly saddened and overwhelmed with the question “how can we work it so we can be both near each other and near the other things we hold dear (i.e. job and community). Didn’t expect that one to come up so quick! Ah but driving for an hour gives you lots of time to ponder and do some house cleaning of the brain. I’m disappointed that I can’t help out with Murray’s conference as much as I’d like to this year, I was really looking forward to that. The nausea is back and that worries me again. I walk into my empty apartment and find myself lonely because the usual company, my cat and hedgehog, aren’t here. Finally, relief - the Gravol finally kicked in!
All in all I’m mostly apprehensive about all the unknowns I have yet to face.
So that may not list 31 but still, it’s been a draining day. I’ll try and tell you more about the actual treatments tomorrow.
I’m hoping to add some pictures and more interesting stuff than just text in the coming episodes but I'm still setting up my user on Duane’s computer properly so I have access to all the things I need. That wraps it up for today, sorry about the mess of thoughts but I gotta hit the hay! Sweet Dreams!
Can't Sleep
Alas she can not sleep
She lies in bed eyes closed, in vain
If only it were sugar plums dancing in her head
Her mind simply will not rest
All the things of the day flood her thoughts
Perhaps she could have said this differently or not said that at all
Wait she forgot the night time meds
Her mind pushes ahead to all the things to do tomorrow
Unpack, get organized
This should go there, that could go here or maybe here
Does she drive all the way back home early to finish up the chores
Or does she leave it for another day
After all, no one would blame her.
Her mind takes her everywhere but 11:30
Why?
Is she avoiding?
Is she afraid?
No, more disappointed
She wonders "how should she feel?"
But quickly remembers "shoulds" have been banished from her paradigm
A better question perhaps "how does she feel?"
It feels like nothing
Is it numbness or peace?
She thinks peace but can't be sure at this time of night
Sleep! She'd really rather be sleeping
Instead of analyzing her feelings, in vain
She lies in bed eyes closed, in vain
If only it were sugar plums dancing in her head
Her mind simply will not rest
All the things of the day flood her thoughts
Perhaps she could have said this differently or not said that at all
Wait she forgot the night time meds
Her mind pushes ahead to all the things to do tomorrow
Unpack, get organized
This should go there, that could go here or maybe here
Does she drive all the way back home early to finish up the chores
Or does she leave it for another day
After all, no one would blame her.
Her mind takes her everywhere but 11:30
Why?
Is she avoiding?
Is she afraid?
No, more disappointed
She wonders "how should she feel?"
But quickly remembers "shoulds" have been banished from her paradigm
A better question perhaps "how does she feel?"
It feels like nothing
Is it numbness or peace?
She thinks peace but can't be sure at this time of night
Sleep! She'd really rather be sleeping
Instead of analyzing her feelings, in vain
Monday, May 14, 2007
Entry #2
First of all I’d like to thank everyone for the kind words of encouragement! Feeling so much love and support really does make this whole thing a lot easier!!! Again, thank you!
So I’ve spent the weekend prepping and packing to head out to Kitsilano. Oh, for those of you who don’t already know, I’m moving in with my hubby Duane who lives in Kits during the week because he works at UBC and the 4 hour a day commute is just insane. That’s the short version anyway ;-) His apartment is only 10 minutes from the cancer agency at VGH so that’s uber convenient! Oh and it’s only blocks from the beach – yay me! I know which happy place I’ll be spending much of my days! Tell the truth…aren’t you just a little bit envious now? Ya the radiation sucks but that’s only an hour out of my day, the rest of the time I can read at the beach or spend some quite time at the amazing Nitobe garden at UBC. Anyway, you get the idea. Mind you, ask me how I feel about that in two weeks time when the side effects kick in. Na, I’ll just enjoy the dreamy bit for however long it lasts. Wouldn’t it be cool if I didn’t get any side effects at all? Feel free to pray for that if you like!
Most of you already know this from emails I’ve sent out but for the sake of a complete story on this site I should dispense with the technical info regarding treatments. Again, forgive me for the duplication; I’m tired of hearing it too! Radiation begins on Tuesday and continues for all the following weekdays until 20 are complete for about a month in total. The treatments are for an abdominal tumor, Fibromatosis to be exact. In short it’s a re-growth of what put me in the hospital two years ago. If the treatment works and shrinks this 6 cm tumor they will likely go after some of the other smaller ones that are scattered throughout my abdomen. Bummer, I know, but I choose to not worry about that yet, life’s too short to bother! Perhaps I’ll be miraculously healed by then. Now that would be a God Story ;-)
So what do you guys think about that anyway? Miraculous healings, that is. Some people say that you are healed when you have enough faith. I’ve heard it said or rather read that you’re ill because you have a bad relationship with your father, fix that and you’ll be healed. (Ummm, nope! My dad’s my hero! I love him tons and we’re good so that’s not it!) Others say it’s about God’s will and timing (I’d agree with that one but it’s still to fricken broad.) And yet others want to get rid of your demons. (Demons? I have demons?) Yet through it all, some people are healed and some aren’t. For some the meds work and for others they don’t. Some are blessed enough to be cured the first time forever and others struggle with it their entire lives.
Then what is to be said to those of us who seem to carry it over and over and over again?
Physically? - Go organic, that’s the answer! No, it’s just expensive. Take this green powdery stuff, it tastes terrible but it cures everything. How about the juices, ah the juices. Mangosteen and Goji and Pomegranate Oh my! Yes, they may work a bit but what they’re best at is relieving you of some of the weight of your wallet. But who cares anyway, the air we breathe, the water we drink and the food we eat are all poisoned in one way or another so what hope do we have? Oh, I guess I’ve hit the little cynic in me. (yes I have one too) I don’t give it much surface time but every once and a while it pops up like an ugly zit you just want to squish. (what a visual, hehehehe). I don’t ever hover there for long although after 17 years the whole thing can be disheartening and really really tiresome.
Spiritually? – I know there’s lot’s of encouraging words in the Bible but what do you do when it’s not enough, when the words are empty and hollow, when nothing makes sense??? You go into your meeting place, bang on Jesus’ chest and cry on his shoulder till you fall asleep. Ya, that usually works.
Let’s see if I can’t spin this to the positive a bit. Amidst the anger and frustration I have seen loads of amazing things come from my family’s medial “experience”. I wouldn’t change mine because most of the time I can take comfort in having experienced first hand the notion that these things are shaping me and those around me. Really and truly, I wouldn’t give them up. The good stuff definitely outweighs the bad.
Let me share just one example. Only a few years after my bone cancer, my three year old nephew was diagnosed with leukemia. He was so precious to me it was like he was my own. The news of his diagnosis crushed me completely. I thought I had some kind of unspoken deal with God that my medical crap was it for my family, like I went through the stuff so now my family was safe. I have no idea where I came up with it but somehow it was ingrained in my head as fact. What did I know, I was only 19. Thankfully I couldn’t see into my future! Anywho… one evening at my sister’s place my nephew was hanging out in the kitchen, probably waiting for “cheese from the fridge” his favorite snack at the time. I look over at him and he got this frustrated, angry, I don’t know what to do with myself expression and started to cry. I knew that look! I knew that helpless anguish and it all flooded back. I went over to this little boy I loved most in the world and held him because I knew. I knew exactly how he felt in that moment and I could hold him, love him and know! At that moment I knew that if this was the only good thing that would come out of my experience, it was worth it.
Wow, I didn’t realize how much that story still affects me. Yet over ten years later I can still say the same thing. Sure there’s been other good stuff since but that precious moment is carved in my heart and I wouldn’t trade it!
Alas amidst it all, the good and difficult, the question remains and will to the end of days. Perhaps the only answer is as Brad once said “How long Lord?”
Blessings to you!
Carin
So I’ve spent the weekend prepping and packing to head out to Kitsilano. Oh, for those of you who don’t already know, I’m moving in with my hubby Duane who lives in Kits during the week because he works at UBC and the 4 hour a day commute is just insane. That’s the short version anyway ;-) His apartment is only 10 minutes from the cancer agency at VGH so that’s uber convenient! Oh and it’s only blocks from the beach – yay me! I know which happy place I’ll be spending much of my days! Tell the truth…aren’t you just a little bit envious now? Ya the radiation sucks but that’s only an hour out of my day, the rest of the time I can read at the beach or spend some quite time at the amazing Nitobe garden at UBC. Anyway, you get the idea. Mind you, ask me how I feel about that in two weeks time when the side effects kick in. Na, I’ll just enjoy the dreamy bit for however long it lasts. Wouldn’t it be cool if I didn’t get any side effects at all? Feel free to pray for that if you like!
Most of you already know this from emails I’ve sent out but for the sake of a complete story on this site I should dispense with the technical info regarding treatments. Again, forgive me for the duplication; I’m tired of hearing it too! Radiation begins on Tuesday and continues for all the following weekdays until 20 are complete for about a month in total. The treatments are for an abdominal tumor, Fibromatosis to be exact. In short it’s a re-growth of what put me in the hospital two years ago. If the treatment works and shrinks this 6 cm tumor they will likely go after some of the other smaller ones that are scattered throughout my abdomen. Bummer, I know, but I choose to not worry about that yet, life’s too short to bother! Perhaps I’ll be miraculously healed by then. Now that would be a God Story ;-)
So what do you guys think about that anyway? Miraculous healings, that is. Some people say that you are healed when you have enough faith. I’ve heard it said or rather read that you’re ill because you have a bad relationship with your father, fix that and you’ll be healed. (Ummm, nope! My dad’s my hero! I love him tons and we’re good so that’s not it!) Others say it’s about God’s will and timing (I’d agree with that one but it’s still to fricken broad.) And yet others want to get rid of your demons. (Demons? I have demons?) Yet through it all, some people are healed and some aren’t. For some the meds work and for others they don’t. Some are blessed enough to be cured the first time forever and others struggle with it their entire lives.
Then what is to be said to those of us who seem to carry it over and over and over again?
Physically? - Go organic, that’s the answer! No, it’s just expensive. Take this green powdery stuff, it tastes terrible but it cures everything. How about the juices, ah the juices. Mangosteen and Goji and Pomegranate Oh my! Yes, they may work a bit but what they’re best at is relieving you of some of the weight of your wallet. But who cares anyway, the air we breathe, the water we drink and the food we eat are all poisoned in one way or another so what hope do we have? Oh, I guess I’ve hit the little cynic in me. (yes I have one too) I don’t give it much surface time but every once and a while it pops up like an ugly zit you just want to squish. (what a visual, hehehehe). I don’t ever hover there for long although after 17 years the whole thing can be disheartening and really really tiresome.
Spiritually? – I know there’s lot’s of encouraging words in the Bible but what do you do when it’s not enough, when the words are empty and hollow, when nothing makes sense??? You go into your meeting place, bang on Jesus’ chest and cry on his shoulder till you fall asleep. Ya, that usually works.
Let’s see if I can’t spin this to the positive a bit. Amidst the anger and frustration I have seen loads of amazing things come from my family’s medial “experience”. I wouldn’t change mine because most of the time I can take comfort in having experienced first hand the notion that these things are shaping me and those around me. Really and truly, I wouldn’t give them up. The good stuff definitely outweighs the bad.
Let me share just one example. Only a few years after my bone cancer, my three year old nephew was diagnosed with leukemia. He was so precious to me it was like he was my own. The news of his diagnosis crushed me completely. I thought I had some kind of unspoken deal with God that my medical crap was it for my family, like I went through the stuff so now my family was safe. I have no idea where I came up with it but somehow it was ingrained in my head as fact. What did I know, I was only 19. Thankfully I couldn’t see into my future! Anywho… one evening at my sister’s place my nephew was hanging out in the kitchen, probably waiting for “cheese from the fridge” his favorite snack at the time. I look over at him and he got this frustrated, angry, I don’t know what to do with myself expression and started to cry. I knew that look! I knew that helpless anguish and it all flooded back. I went over to this little boy I loved most in the world and held him because I knew. I knew exactly how he felt in that moment and I could hold him, love him and know! At that moment I knew that if this was the only good thing that would come out of my experience, it was worth it.
Wow, I didn’t realize how much that story still affects me. Yet over ten years later I can still say the same thing. Sure there’s been other good stuff since but that precious moment is carved in my heart and I wouldn’t trade it!
Alas amidst it all, the good and difficult, the question remains and will to the end of days. Perhaps the only answer is as Brad once said “How long Lord?”
Blessings to you!
Carin
Friday, May 11, 2007
Where to begin?
As you saw in my intro, this is how I hope to process my third experience with cancer treatment. I feel like I’m supposed to share this journey with unbridled honesty yet I’m not completely sure why. Just the idea leaves me feeling rather naked and exposed. Though this little page won’t even be a blip on the world scene, stepping out in vulnerability for anyone to see is a scary thing no matter how you slice it! Alas, I feel I must so here I am emotionally naked and unashamed.
… Ok, well not so naked today, this one’s more about background info. Enjoy!
Third cancer treatment….that’s correct and would you believe that they are individual instances which are not related and not hereditary, as far as my doctors know anyway. Yay, I won the lottery! Wait a minute, that’s not the one I wanted to win! Yes, my doctors are dumfounded and my family is tired.
Some of you reading this have been with me since the first occurrence 17 years ago, but I’ve probably only gotten to know most of you over the past couple of years so I’ll give you a brief history to help with some perspective.
At age 15 I was diagnosed with bone cancer in my right knee which resulted in a very difficult year of 12 chemo treatments and an above knee leg amputation. Think Terry Fox and you’ll get the idea. On the bright side, my sister’s kids love taking me into class for show and tell! Fun fact - they used to pull the legs of their Barbies and say “ look, now she’s just like auntie!” but I digress…
December 2003, 13 years later, I was diagnosed with Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia (CML for short). Because it was my platelets that were affected rather than my white cells (another oddity) a bone marrow transplant would have been even more risky than usual. Thankfully there was a new “miracle drug” which I could simply take at home once a day. The only tricky thing about that is it’s not a cure, it only stops the gene mutation while you’re on it and then you hope your body doesn’t become immune to it over long term use. Before this drug was introduced the survival rate was listed as 5 to 6 years. The long term prognosis with the new drug is unknown as it hasn’t been around long enough to have any stats. Though quality of life has really been quite phenomenal on this med, really you wouldn’t have know I was getting chemo. In short, life was normal.
On November 21 2004 abdominal Fibromatosis (or Desmoid tumor) entered the mix when a grapefruit sized tumor burst and bled out internally nearly killing me. This one’s quite a long story so perhaps I’ll expand on it another day. In short, this stuff has grown back and has migrated and multiplied, hence the need for radiation and of course the reason why I’m writing here now.
For those you who are curious enough to think about googling it, here’s a little more info.
Desmoid tumors are classified as somewhere in between truly benign tumors and the malignant tumors. Desmoids are not truly benign because they are locally aggressive, but they do not metastasize like malignant cancers. The bottom line is that whatever you call them, desmoids behave like cancer and are treated in oncology.
Now then, how’s that for a start? It’s mostly technical background this time but I thought it important to lay down the history of my experience so you’d have a glimpse into the bigger picture. It may also help make sense of things I write in the future.
And there you have it, my first ever blog entry. It’s so liberating! Well, not really but whatever.
Much love to you all and thanks for joining me on this journey!
Carin
… Ok, well not so naked today, this one’s more about background info. Enjoy!
Third cancer treatment….that’s correct and would you believe that they are individual instances which are not related and not hereditary, as far as my doctors know anyway. Yay, I won the lottery! Wait a minute, that’s not the one I wanted to win! Yes, my doctors are dumfounded and my family is tired.
Some of you reading this have been with me since the first occurrence 17 years ago, but I’ve probably only gotten to know most of you over the past couple of years so I’ll give you a brief history to help with some perspective.
At age 15 I was diagnosed with bone cancer in my right knee which resulted in a very difficult year of 12 chemo treatments and an above knee leg amputation. Think Terry Fox and you’ll get the idea. On the bright side, my sister’s kids love taking me into class for show and tell! Fun fact - they used to pull the legs of their Barbies and say “ look, now she’s just like auntie!” but I digress…
December 2003, 13 years later, I was diagnosed with Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia (CML for short). Because it was my platelets that were affected rather than my white cells (another oddity) a bone marrow transplant would have been even more risky than usual. Thankfully there was a new “miracle drug” which I could simply take at home once a day. The only tricky thing about that is it’s not a cure, it only stops the gene mutation while you’re on it and then you hope your body doesn’t become immune to it over long term use. Before this drug was introduced the survival rate was listed as 5 to 6 years. The long term prognosis with the new drug is unknown as it hasn’t been around long enough to have any stats. Though quality of life has really been quite phenomenal on this med, really you wouldn’t have know I was getting chemo. In short, life was normal.
On November 21 2004 abdominal Fibromatosis (or Desmoid tumor) entered the mix when a grapefruit sized tumor burst and bled out internally nearly killing me. This one’s quite a long story so perhaps I’ll expand on it another day. In short, this stuff has grown back and has migrated and multiplied, hence the need for radiation and of course the reason why I’m writing here now.
For those you who are curious enough to think about googling it, here’s a little more info.
Desmoid tumors are classified as somewhere in between truly benign tumors and the malignant tumors. Desmoids are not truly benign because they are locally aggressive, but they do not metastasize like malignant cancers. The bottom line is that whatever you call them, desmoids behave like cancer and are treated in oncology.
Now then, how’s that for a start? It’s mostly technical background this time but I thought it important to lay down the history of my experience so you’d have a glimpse into the bigger picture. It may also help make sense of things I write in the future.
And there you have it, my first ever blog entry. It’s so liberating! Well, not really but whatever.
Much love to you all and thanks for joining me on this journey!
Carin
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