Just Make the Call

When would you ever imagine it a difficulty for a woman to pick up the phone and call someone to talk? Never … right!?! Well, turns out that this gal’s got the problem. Oyi, I can’t believe I just admitted it…let alone continuing to write about it. Oh ya, remember that being brutally honest thing I spoke of at the beginning of this thing…well its back as per God’s encouraging. Duane says it’s good though…means my brain’s healing, or was that my heart???

So today was the first day back at some normal actives. My church gets together at a coffee shop every Wednesday afternoon and before treatments I was there every week. I loved it. It’s a time to connect, talk and pray if need be. Today something odd happened. I chit chatted a bit … the usual “how are things going?” and so on, listening to some of the other discussions that were around. I began writing in my book trying to figure out this feeling that had popped up and then there it was…I feel like I’m going to have to reacclimatize back into my life. For the last three months I’ve been living with my hubby in Vancouver and seeing friends occasionally on weekends…but that’s it…roughly that’s the extent of my social interaction for three months. I began to ponder what my life was before leaving it for a while, activities – they were good but were they just busy stuff, friendships and depths of them, what needs to be rebuild, what needs to change. Needless to say some major unexpected introspection…and I was just out for a coffee and a laugh!

A friend suggested I needed to share more or something to that effect. He also asked who my backup was…you know, the friends you call when the world is at its end and you need to blubber on someone’s shoulder…or phone. I said my hubby of course…seeing as we live apart during the weekdays. Hmmm, as far as anyone else…whom would I call? I know who I could call but I wouldn’t? What would it take for me to call them? And darnit, why do I find it so hard to call a friend when I’m struggling with something? If people ask I’m happy to share and even be honest most of the time…but what is it about reaching out that’s so hard? Perhaps when I was at coffee shop more often I could share enough that I didn’t need to call….perhaps but still sounds like a copout. I don’t want to bug anyone with my stuff, yep there may be some underlying stuff or whatever but I think that’s what makes most sense to me. I think it started back the first time round when I was 15. The treatments took nearly a year and by half way through friends were tired of hearing the same cancer stories and friends were lost. When you have to not talk about cancer so you can keep your friends…well that’s a pretty fucked up bullet to have to swallow. Never the less, it happened and made an impact on a 15 year olds heart, I suppose I’ve carried it all this time.

So now what? I can lay it down and forgive and all that…but it still doesn’t make picking up the phone any easier. I’m embarrassed that I’m having such a hard time with this. It really really bugs me. It’s not that I don’t want to be close with people, it’s not that at all. Perhaps a part of the social part of my brain fell out.

Why is your button being pushed?
Because you have a button tooooo push.

What’s left?
You’re afraid of wasting peoples time.
You think they don’t want to hear from you.
You think you may not be close enough of a friend to call.
Lie, lie, lie…all lies…I know.


E-mail’s easier…does that count?