The Devolving Soul

Where do you get your worth from?
Is it from your job and how well you do there?
Is it your place in the family? Wife, mother, sister, daughter…
Is it from your place in your community group or organization? Perhaps church or some other like minded group?


I’m sitting on the curb pondering the pieces that currently make up my life.
At first glance it looks like a child’s puzzle with big pieces. Some creased or torn a bit but its ok, looks like it will be fun anyway. Each piece has a title … like the heart shaped one is called “Duane’s heart”. Simple, yet perfect in shape.

Another one labeled “beauty” decorated in pretty pink sparkly things. This one is interesting in that it’s also a note pad. You can lift the top and inside are more words on each page. Eyes, Lips and Body bits. Although not written, one could feel the expectations behind them. The expectations change though, depending on the age you are when flipping through the pages.

What stood out to me most is the simplicity of it all. Yes, some of the pieces may have some sparkles and feathers but the true intent grows from child like innocence and simplicity. That is what kept me intrigued.

You see, I feel like this is what my life has boiled down to over the last month. When all the complicated busy things of life have been taken away … what pieces are you left with? Really?

As for me, for right now, I’m left feeling alone and abandoned. Everything I’m used to life being is gone for the moment! The people I spend time with, the things I do, the books I read….all gone. My mind is still here but my self reliance and self sufficiency have been snatched away. Ultimately I must ask for help in everything I do because of increased pain, decreased strength or drug induced stupor. I can’t focus on reading, email or decent conversation for the same reasons. And now what?

I call it “the devolving soul”.

Here we die again….


There is a positive spin here somewhere, I can feel it. There is a renewed childlike perspective that finally has a chance to grow from this heap of manure. Oh, hello little Me!
But is it sustainable? Can the new growth continue to flourish amidst its older counterpart? Is it perhaps time to heavily weed the old growth, trim back the dead for life’s sake? Great but sounds painful…again.

I’m weary and have little left for more pain; perhaps a little more sleep on the subject might help…might.