Entry #2

First of all I’d like to thank everyone for the kind words of encouragement! Feeling so much love and support really does make this whole thing a lot easier!!! Again, thank you!

So I’ve spent the weekend prepping and packing to head out to Kitsilano. Oh, for those of you who don’t already know, I’m moving in with my hubby Duane who lives in Kits during the week because he works at UBC and the 4 hour a day commute is just insane. That’s the short version anyway ;-) His apartment is only 10 minutes from the cancer agency at VGH so that’s uber convenient! Oh and it’s only blocks from the beach – yay me! I know which happy place I’ll be spending much of my days! Tell the truth…aren’t you just a little bit envious now? Ya the radiation sucks but that’s only an hour out of my day, the rest of the time I can read at the beach or spend some quite time at the amazing Nitobe garden at UBC. Anyway, you get the idea. Mind you, ask me how I feel about that in two weeks time when the side effects kick in. Na, I’ll just enjoy the dreamy bit for however long it lasts. Wouldn’t it be cool if I didn’t get any side effects at all? Feel free to pray for that if you like!

Most of you already know this from emails I’ve sent out but for the sake of a complete story on this site I should dispense with the technical info regarding treatments. Again, forgive me for the duplication; I’m tired of hearing it too! Radiation begins on Tuesday and continues for all the following weekdays until 20 are complete for about a month in total. The treatments are for an abdominal tumor, Fibromatosis to be exact. In short it’s a re-growth of what put me in the hospital two years ago. If the treatment works and shrinks this 6 cm tumor they will likely go after some of the other smaller ones that are scattered throughout my abdomen. Bummer, I know, but I choose to not worry about that yet, life’s too short to bother! Perhaps I’ll be miraculously healed by then. Now that would be a God Story ;-)

So what do you guys think about that anyway? Miraculous healings, that is. Some people say that you are healed when you have enough faith. I’ve heard it said or rather read that you’re ill because you have a bad relationship with your father, fix that and you’ll be healed. (Ummm, nope! My dad’s my hero! I love him tons and we’re good so that’s not it!) Others say it’s about God’s will and timing (I’d agree with that one but it’s still to fricken broad.) And yet others want to get rid of your demons. (Demons? I have demons?) Yet through it all, some people are healed and some aren’t. For some the meds work and for others they don’t. Some are blessed enough to be cured the first time forever and others struggle with it their entire lives.

Then what is to be said to those of us who seem to carry it over and over and over again?

Physically? - Go organic, that’s the answer! No, it’s just expensive. Take this green powdery stuff, it tastes terrible but it cures everything. How about the juices, ah the juices. Mangosteen and Goji and Pomegranate Oh my! Yes, they may work a bit but what they’re best at is relieving you of some of the weight of your wallet. But who cares anyway, the air we breathe, the water we drink and the food we eat are all poisoned in one way or another so what hope do we have? Oh, I guess I’ve hit the little cynic in me. (yes I have one too) I don’t give it much surface time but every once and a while it pops up like an ugly zit you just want to squish. (what a visual, hehehehe). I don’t ever hover there for long although after 17 years the whole thing can be disheartening and really really tiresome.

Spiritually? – I know there’s lot’s of encouraging words in the Bible but what do you do when it’s not enough, when the words are empty and hollow, when nothing makes sense??? You go into your meeting place, bang on Jesus’ chest and cry on his shoulder till you fall asleep. Ya, that usually works.


Let’s see if I can’t spin this to the positive a bit. Amidst the anger and frustration I have seen loads of amazing things come from my family’s medial “experience”. I wouldn’t change mine because most of the time I can take comfort in having experienced first hand the notion that these things are shaping me and those around me. Really and truly, I wouldn’t give them up. The good stuff definitely outweighs the bad.

Let me share just one example. Only a few years after my bone cancer, my three year old nephew was diagnosed with leukemia. He was so precious to me it was like he was my own. The news of his diagnosis crushed me completely. I thought I had some kind of unspoken deal with God that my medical crap was it for my family, like I went through the stuff so now my family was safe. I have no idea where I came up with it but somehow it was ingrained in my head as fact. What did I know, I was only 19. Thankfully I couldn’t see into my future! Anywho… one evening at my sister’s place my nephew was hanging out in the kitchen, probably waiting for “cheese from the fridge” his favorite snack at the time. I look over at him and he got this frustrated, angry, I don’t know what to do with myself expression and started to cry. I knew that look! I knew that helpless anguish and it all flooded back. I went over to this little boy I loved most in the world and held him because I knew. I knew exactly how he felt in that moment and I could hold him, love him and know! At that moment I knew that if this was the only good thing that would come out of my experience, it was worth it.

Wow, I didn’t realize how much that story still affects me. Yet over ten years later I can still say the same thing. Sure there’s been other good stuff since but that precious moment is carved in my heart and I wouldn’t trade it!


Alas amidst it all, the good and difficult, the question remains and will to the end of days. Perhaps the only answer is as Brad once said “How long Lord?”

Blessings to you!
Carin