As for Today

So, let’s just dig in. I’ve been fighting with a slight issue of nausea which is to be expected but for the last 24 hours it’s been nausea and a sore abdomen. That too is to be expected from the radiation but it’s all a big pain (ha in both meanings!) I need to take anti nausea meds and now pain meds which cause even more nausea all of which make me sleepy. It’s going to be a bit tricky to find the exact right combination of everything so that I don’t have to spend the next three weeks in bed. Needless to say, today has been a more difficult day so I’m going to keep this short.

Thanks again for all your comments and requests, how fun is that! I’ll try to address the question of what I’ve been up to since high school tomorrow. Do feel free to drop requests anytime.

As for today I’d like to answer another question that perhaps several of you have. Hope you don’t mind me sharing it ;-)

“I wonder when I read your blog sometimes, is your typing part of bringing yourself to a positive place of peace, part of the working through thoughts that keep you trusting or are you really that positive naturally?”

The answer is actually – all the above! I try to live in a positive state as much as I can but I do have those hard days, those days where you just want to scream and punch a wall. Usually though, those who love me don’t let me stay there for too long, they point out the good stuff and that helps refocus my perspective. That brings me to an issue I’ve had to deal with and try to work through for 17 years (since my first cancer experience) It’s hard to watch someone you love struggle and there in lies a huge challenge for both the person who’s sick (or whatever) and those who care about them. There’s a delicate balance between helping someone stay positive and letting them grieve when they need to. For the better part of 17 years, my experience is that people generally don’t like to see others struggle; they want to swoop in and fix it or at least distract you long enough to see you smile again…knowing you’re ok makes them feel better. They don’t realize they may be squashing the process you’re going through. It may have its place when someone is wallowing but in my case it caused deep heart wounds that were only revealed this time round. Because sometimes you just need a good cry fest. My experience with this has shaped the way I deal with all grief and only in the last couple of years have I realize I wasn’t “dealing” well in a healthy way. As I mentioned in a previous post I still can’t really cry in public …don’t want to make anyone feel bad. Crazy crazy I know…I still have a ways to go.

Hmmm, where did that come from? As you can see the blog is definitely a place of processing for me as well. It causes me to think things through more than I might usually. I look at what I’m feeling and try to identify the real source and not just whatever it was that triggered it. Never the less, I hope that answers your question, all be it in a round about way. Mostly though, I hope it helps people see that even the eternal optimist will always have their down moments no matter what they say.

So much for short ;-S

I must sleep now. Nighty night!