What's Next

So I’ve been pondering what to write next. Life feels like it’s finally getting back to normal. My energy and emotions are doing well for the most part. I finally heard from my oncologist today about the next medication (for the abdominal tumors) that she wants to put me on. She says the research is good and that 6 out of 10 people have good success with it. We are now waiting for it to be approved, by whom I’m not sure but I suppose it’s sort of like getting authorization to bill for these meds.

I mentioned in previous posts that I was ill at ease with what happens next. I was feeling like I had to start life over again…as is with most big issues and changes in life. Since my last post life has become a bit more clear. The mandate is still the same as it was before the radiation knocked me out, which I felt was to watch for what God is doing and share his love in those places. I suppose that may sound a bit general and airy fairy but it’s the simplest way to put it. To explain it more would be an entire post in itself. Interestingly enough, as I’m wondering what I’m supposed to do next, there happens to be a local info/prayer meeting for “Partners” which is an organization that helps the displaced people of Burma (inside and outside of the country). If you want to know what’s “really” going on in Burma check out partnersworld.org online.

The people of Burma have been on my heart long before they hit the news last month. Our pastors have been visiting Partners in Thailand over the last two years and have always come home with heartbreaking stories along side amazing stories of joy, love, grace and mercy. Living the basics of what Jesus taught truly happens in these places. It’s like nothing our western minds can comprehend. Finally having the chance to meet a few of the guys that run Partners was really great. They shared information that isn’t broadcast over the news and clarified details of the war and the people affected.
This was one of those moments when you have to make a decision…do you hear this info but file it away somewhere because it’s just too much for your heart to take and figure what can I do anyway or do you let all the horrific stories and joyful stories sink into your heart and at least try to do something about it.
For me, if I liked it or not, these stories became woven into my heart and I can’t just let them fade away into the ether. What I’ll do has yet to be revealed but for now it’s a journey into discovering my emotions. Might sound funny but really, how many of us actually connect with how we’re really feeling. Perhaps it’s just me but anytime sadness or heartbreak shows up, in an effort to stay in control, I push them down. After all, I’m “strong” don’t you know. Funny thing about that statement is that it’s backwards. I think to be truly strong you need to be able to let the emotions come up, whatever they may be.

If I am to love on people effectively I think I need to be connected to the entire scope of emotions – the good and the hard. I suppose we all need to do that to live healthy lives but my guess is we all struggle with that in some way or another. To wade into the river of heartbreak and disappointment is a very scary thing. There’s a fear that if I open that door that I may not be able to shut it again. I know it’s a lie but never the less very real. I don’t know what it’s all going to look like or how many times I’ll stumble but I know it’s a journey into a more authentic me. No doubt it will take a life time.

Getting Back to Normal

Ahhh, I just realized I only wrote once in September…and it’s already October. Well, trying to figure out the insanity behind debilitating depression early in the month and then trying not to be too uptight about all the Dr appointments, the month completely got away on me. Good news is that for now the worst of it is over as you’ve seen in the last post.

I was a bit concerned about the last meeting with my hematologist but as it turns out since this was the first time there was a substantial increase in the leukemia marker my Dr isn’t yet too concerned. He believes it’s due to all the other meds I’ve been on in the past 5 months. I’ll be doing another blood test this week to see if this is an ongoing trend or just a one time thing.

I sort of feel like this portion of cancer treatments is over and life will get to back to normal for a while again. Weird thing is that I don’t know what normal is supposed to look like now. I’ve spent 5 months “being sick” and all of the sudden last week almost all the “sick” dropped off and normal reemerged…now what? I know…it’s definitely a good thing but it’s really strange too. I have to change the way I do life again instantly. You finally find out what works for you with the illness and you have to change it because it’s not what works for you when you are mostly well. It’s sort of like when you change your life to get healthy and loose weight…you change all the things you eat, you have to make time to get to the gym and whatever else…but you “do” life differently. I’m now trying to figure out how to do life again. Well, that might sound totally odd or perhaps really basic considering the worst of the illness is done and I should be ecstatic. Don’t get me wrong now, I am ecstatic! It’s just a little daunting to start life all over again. Although I hate to admit it, I do feel like the big “C” looms overhead waiting for the next time it can kick me. It feels a little like I’m going to get life in order again just in time for cancer treatments to kick the shit out of me again…and that’s really not a fun prospect.

Anywho, that’s what’s on my brain for the moment…whatever it’s worth.