Crinkled folded paper
Lists
To do, groceries, packing
Remnants of weeks past
Attempts at organizing life
Piles of papers just the same
Appointment cards, receipts, bills
How is it that life comes down to these
The only proof of what you’ve done
Where you’ve been
What you’ve bought (and just HAD to have)
There must be more
If you have children you can see them grow
But for us, adults
Truly children in big bodies with big responsibilities
How do we quantify who we are?
It’s not what we’ve “done”…not really
It’s not piles of papers or houses full of stuff
It’s that stuff on the inside
Things we’ve learned
Love exchanged
The hard stuff we’ve cried endless tears over
Endless lists and piles of paper
Scraps with emails addresses and phone numbers
Proof of what we’ve done and where we’ve been
Just little reminders of how we got here
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Just Make the Call
When would you ever imagine it a difficulty for a woman to pick up the phone and call someone to talk? Never … right!?! Well, turns out that this gal’s got the problem. Oyi, I can’t believe I just admitted it…let alone continuing to write about it. Oh ya, remember that being brutally honest thing I spoke of at the beginning of this thing…well its back as per God’s encouraging. Duane says it’s good though…means my brain’s healing, or was that my heart???
So today was the first day back at some normal actives. My church gets together at a coffee shop every Wednesday afternoon and before treatments I was there every week. I loved it. It’s a time to connect, talk and pray if need be. Today something odd happened. I chit chatted a bit … the usual “how are things going?” and so on, listening to some of the other discussions that were around. I began writing in my book trying to figure out this feeling that had popped up and then there it was…I feel like I’m going to have to reacclimatize back into my life. For the last three months I’ve been living with my hubby in Vancouver and seeing friends occasionally on weekends…but that’s it…roughly that’s the extent of my social interaction for three months. I began to ponder what my life was before leaving it for a while, activities – they were good but were they just busy stuff, friendships and depths of them, what needs to be rebuild, what needs to change. Needless to say some major unexpected introspection…and I was just out for a coffee and a laugh!
A friend suggested I needed to share more or something to that effect. He also asked who my backup was…you know, the friends you call when the world is at its end and you need to blubber on someone’s shoulder…or phone. I said my hubby of course…seeing as we live apart during the weekdays. Hmmm, as far as anyone else…whom would I call? I know who I could call but I wouldn’t? What would it take for me to call them? And darnit, why do I find it so hard to call a friend when I’m struggling with something? If people ask I’m happy to share and even be honest most of the time…but what is it about reaching out that’s so hard? Perhaps when I was at coffee shop more often I could share enough that I didn’t need to call….perhaps but still sounds like a copout. I don’t want to bug anyone with my stuff, yep there may be some underlying stuff or whatever but I think that’s what makes most sense to me. I think it started back the first time round when I was 15. The treatments took nearly a year and by half way through friends were tired of hearing the same cancer stories and friends were lost. When you have to not talk about cancer so you can keep your friends…well that’s a pretty fucked up bullet to have to swallow. Never the less, it happened and made an impact on a 15 year olds heart, I suppose I’ve carried it all this time.
So now what? I can lay it down and forgive and all that…but it still doesn’t make picking up the phone any easier. I’m embarrassed that I’m having such a hard time with this. It really really bugs me. It’s not that I don’t want to be close with people, it’s not that at all. Perhaps a part of the social part of my brain fell out.
Why is your button being pushed?
Because you have a button tooooo push.
What’s left?
You’re afraid of wasting peoples time.
You think they don’t want to hear from you.
You think you may not be close enough of a friend to call.
Lie, lie, lie…all lies…I know.
E-mail’s easier…does that count?
So today was the first day back at some normal actives. My church gets together at a coffee shop every Wednesday afternoon and before treatments I was there every week. I loved it. It’s a time to connect, talk and pray if need be. Today something odd happened. I chit chatted a bit … the usual “how are things going?” and so on, listening to some of the other discussions that were around. I began writing in my book trying to figure out this feeling that had popped up and then there it was…I feel like I’m going to have to reacclimatize back into my life. For the last three months I’ve been living with my hubby in Vancouver and seeing friends occasionally on weekends…but that’s it…roughly that’s the extent of my social interaction for three months. I began to ponder what my life was before leaving it for a while, activities – they were good but were they just busy stuff, friendships and depths of them, what needs to be rebuild, what needs to change. Needless to say some major unexpected introspection…and I was just out for a coffee and a laugh!
A friend suggested I needed to share more or something to that effect. He also asked who my backup was…you know, the friends you call when the world is at its end and you need to blubber on someone’s shoulder…or phone. I said my hubby of course…seeing as we live apart during the weekdays. Hmmm, as far as anyone else…whom would I call? I know who I could call but I wouldn’t? What would it take for me to call them? And darnit, why do I find it so hard to call a friend when I’m struggling with something? If people ask I’m happy to share and even be honest most of the time…but what is it about reaching out that’s so hard? Perhaps when I was at coffee shop more often I could share enough that I didn’t need to call….perhaps but still sounds like a copout. I don’t want to bug anyone with my stuff, yep there may be some underlying stuff or whatever but I think that’s what makes most sense to me. I think it started back the first time round when I was 15. The treatments took nearly a year and by half way through friends were tired of hearing the same cancer stories and friends were lost. When you have to not talk about cancer so you can keep your friends…well that’s a pretty fucked up bullet to have to swallow. Never the less, it happened and made an impact on a 15 year olds heart, I suppose I’ve carried it all this time.
So now what? I can lay it down and forgive and all that…but it still doesn’t make picking up the phone any easier. I’m embarrassed that I’m having such a hard time with this. It really really bugs me. It’s not that I don’t want to be close with people, it’s not that at all. Perhaps a part of the social part of my brain fell out.
Why is your button being pushed?
Because you have a button tooooo push.
What’s left?
You’re afraid of wasting peoples time.
You think they don’t want to hear from you.
You think you may not be close enough of a friend to call.
Lie, lie, lie…all lies…I know.
E-mail’s easier…does that count?
Monday, August 27, 2007
She's Baaaack!
Hello Friends!
Many thanks to you all for prayers, warm wishes and emails checking in to see how I was.
Needless to say the past 6 weeks since my last hospital stay have been rather arduous. The pain meds I was given continued to cause me more grief than good and I finally am on new something new. And there was much rejoicing!!!! Yay!
Today I am back at my place in Abbotsford…the first stay longer than a weekend in three months. Last week Thursday was the first day I have driven since my first hospital stint in June. Last week was also the first week in months that I didn’t have all those nutty side effects the first pain meds caused. Again…there was much rejoicing!!!
So if I’ve had all this time on my hands you might ask “why haven’t you been updating you blog?” Well, I had slipped into a dark funk and wasn’t really interested in communicating unless absolutely necessary. I had a few bright spots over the last while (namely Julia coming out and spending the day at the beach with me – yay!) but for the most part I couldn’t think straight, let alone write. Being away from most of the people I loved was difficult and I caused me to withdraw further even when back in Abbotsford. When you put everything together you have a recipe for something that’s dark, dingy and very unhappy. Yep and that was me for a good part of the past month and a half. Duane, on the other hand was wonderful through it all! He did everything he could to help me out…which usually entailed a trip to the beach ;-) Thanks hun! You’re the bestest!
That sort of wraps up the short version of recent happenings, perhaps I’ll feel inspired to unpack it all a little in the future. For now, however, the fatigue is catching up with me so I must go.
Much Love,
Carin
Many thanks to you all for prayers, warm wishes and emails checking in to see how I was.
Needless to say the past 6 weeks since my last hospital stay have been rather arduous. The pain meds I was given continued to cause me more grief than good and I finally am on new something new. And there was much rejoicing!!!! Yay!
Today I am back at my place in Abbotsford…the first stay longer than a weekend in three months. Last week Thursday was the first day I have driven since my first hospital stint in June. Last week was also the first week in months that I didn’t have all those nutty side effects the first pain meds caused. Again…there was much rejoicing!!!
So if I’ve had all this time on my hands you might ask “why haven’t you been updating you blog?” Well, I had slipped into a dark funk and wasn’t really interested in communicating unless absolutely necessary. I had a few bright spots over the last while (namely Julia coming out and spending the day at the beach with me – yay!) but for the most part I couldn’t think straight, let alone write. Being away from most of the people I loved was difficult and I caused me to withdraw further even when back in Abbotsford. When you put everything together you have a recipe for something that’s dark, dingy and very unhappy. Yep and that was me for a good part of the past month and a half. Duane, on the other hand was wonderful through it all! He did everything he could to help me out…which usually entailed a trip to the beach ;-) Thanks hun! You’re the bestest!
That sort of wraps up the short version of recent happenings, perhaps I’ll feel inspired to unpack it all a little in the future. For now, however, the fatigue is catching up with me so I must go.
Much Love,
Carin
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