The Devolving Soul

Where do you get your worth from?
Is it from your job and how well you do there?
Is it your place in the family? Wife, mother, sister, daughter…
Is it from your place in your community group or organization? Perhaps church or some other like minded group?


I’m sitting on the curb pondering the pieces that currently make up my life.
At first glance it looks like a child’s puzzle with big pieces. Some creased or torn a bit but its ok, looks like it will be fun anyway. Each piece has a title … like the heart shaped one is called “Duane’s heart”. Simple, yet perfect in shape.

Another one labeled “beauty” decorated in pretty pink sparkly things. This one is interesting in that it’s also a note pad. You can lift the top and inside are more words on each page. Eyes, Lips and Body bits. Although not written, one could feel the expectations behind them. The expectations change though, depending on the age you are when flipping through the pages.

What stood out to me most is the simplicity of it all. Yes, some of the pieces may have some sparkles and feathers but the true intent grows from child like innocence and simplicity. That is what kept me intrigued.

You see, I feel like this is what my life has boiled down to over the last month. When all the complicated busy things of life have been taken away … what pieces are you left with? Really?

As for me, for right now, I’m left feeling alone and abandoned. Everything I’m used to life being is gone for the moment! The people I spend time with, the things I do, the books I read….all gone. My mind is still here but my self reliance and self sufficiency have been snatched away. Ultimately I must ask for help in everything I do because of increased pain, decreased strength or drug induced stupor. I can’t focus on reading, email or decent conversation for the same reasons. And now what?

I call it “the devolving soul”.

Here we die again….


There is a positive spin here somewhere, I can feel it. There is a renewed childlike perspective that finally has a chance to grow from this heap of manure. Oh, hello little Me!
But is it sustainable? Can the new growth continue to flourish amidst its older counterpart? Is it perhaps time to heavily weed the old growth, trim back the dead for life’s sake? Great but sounds painful…again.

I’m weary and have little left for more pain; perhaps a little more sleep on the subject might help…might.

A Week in Review

I was released from the Cancer Agency last Saturday around noon, heading into Abbotsford shortly thereafter. Coupling my nausea with the badly pot holed West End roads, the drive was an interesting challenge needless to say.

Visistors…
I would like to take a moment to thank all my visitors over the past few hospital weeks! Also heartfelt thank you’s to everyone who wanted to come but distance and circumstance made it impossible …I know your hearts and I thank you. Thank you to the emailers and poster’s as well! As you can imagine, when you’re all but shut out from the outside world with just cancer swirling about, things can get dreary. A massive “THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!” to my New York visitors. Mike, Tim and Ron – it was so great to see you guys, what an awesome surprise!!! Hope my conversation was at least mostly coherent (being on the meds and all). Really! Your visit was very special!
Of course I would be remiss if I did not mention Duane’s daily visits. We can often put the regularity of family visits in an assumed place on the shelf but we must make mention of and appreciate those who join us in the monotony of everyday hospital living. With a schedule of sleep, work, hospital, sleep, work, hospital, sleep, work, pick up new mp3 player for Carin ;-), hospital…they too are hospitalized in a way. Thanks for sticking it through with me!

The Weekend…
Upon arriving in Abbotsford I bee lined it for a very few of the must do’s before everything closed. Then finally…PIZZA! Hmmmmmm. After two weeks of hospital food I needed something really yummy, even if it needed to be tolerated with a mit full of anti nausea meds! The rest of the evening was enjoyed sleeping in my own bed! Hmmmmmm. Another coup of the night!

Sunday! Yay Sunday!!! I have been missing my friends at Fresh Wind so very much and seeing everyone was a highlight beyond words. I love you guys!!!
After church it was off to mom and dad’s for fathers day lunch where I watched them watch me be all blurry eyed trying to stay lucid amidst the pain and nausea meds. Needless to say I was the comedic relief of the day.

Sunday night and it’s back to Vancouver for us. Although treatments have officially ended, as I noted in my last post, my treatments where compounding so my body doesn’t yet know that treatments have stopped. Thank heavens that’s in the body clock for this week (please please please!!!)

The Week…
How to sum up the week? Thankfully I’ve been able to dramatically decrease the anti nausea medications I’ve been taking, so that’s really good. The pain meds are unfortunately a different story. I’m still on those as consistently as ever which makes doing life really hard. Actually sitting at home doing practically nothing is about all I can manage…and I really really really hate that! Even simply staying on task to write this dreadfully difficult. I won’t tell you how long it’s taking me to write it ;-) What little energy I did have for the week went into dealing with some family stuff, some new, some old, all of it draining. Amidst it all there were a couple of positive breakthroughs in a week full of anger and frustration.

Well…it may not be a great summation but it’s 4am and I need to try and get some more sleep. I’m heading into a conference weekend starting tomorrow with Murray Dueck and Eric McCooeye titled “Power in the Rest” Unlocking the secrets of the Resting Place (check it out at http://www.samuelsmantle.com/) Saying I could use a refresher on the subject would be rather redundant but I am looking forward to it tremendously. Eric is one of the spiritual fathers of our church and although I’ve heard him speak on the resting place several times it never gets old. It could technically be the same message each time but it’s a new message each time because you are at a different place in life each time you hear it. So when the spirit is willing, it really is brand new every time!

Kay, so I’ve begun to blather…
Weekend should be good, have got a hotel room in Langley for the weekend to ensure lots of rest for between those busy conference sessions. Rest, rest and resting…rather fitting don’t you think! My heart is set on seeing my loved ones from Samuel’s Mantle (which I’ve missed for at least the last month) and hopefully some from the Fresh Wind family too (it feels as if I’ve bee out of the loop there for nearly that long as well which is really hard on my heart.)

If you feel lead…please pray that the pain would subside so I could reduce the amount of pain meds I need so I can simply begin doing life again…would be so nice.

Love to you all!
Carin

Here I Am!!!

Hello Beloved!
So I’ve left all you faithful blog checkers hanging a little bit – my apologies.

As per my last entry, I was in fact in the hospital until this past Saturday. The days blurred into weeks and being heavily medicated made coherent writing impossible. I thank you for your patience and prayers during the dead space.

Today will be short as well as I am still on many pain meds and articulate conversation is understandably difficult. Thursday was my last radiation appointment but the body continues to react to the compounding treatment. In short, my body doesn’t yet know the treatment has stopped…if that makes any sense. This can go on for up to another two weeks yet the side effects should begin to reduce in severity.

As for me, I’m living in the moment more than I ever have before, it’s weird and great all at the same time. I can’t really explain it but it’s cool.

In the days to come I will try to write in my more lucid moments as I do have much to tell! After all, it’s been two weeks.

Much love to you all…till tomorrow.
Carin

Hello Friends.
I'm writing from a medicated groggy place today so forgive me if my thoughts and writings aren't clear.

I'm here just to drop you a quick note to bring you up to speed. Actually I hand wrote it and my hubby posted it. He's so awesome.

I was in Emergency at VGH. I won't bore you with the trivial details of waiting in Emergency as I imagine you've all likely encountered it. I went due to extraordinary abdominal pain. Although the sore spot was right next to my tumor (lower right) I was also a little concerned it might be the beginnings of an appendicitis and didn’t want to mess around with that.

Long story short… at 1 in the afternoon I was transferred to the BC Cancer Agency to be looked after by my cancer doctors. They’re considering it a pain crisis and are working diligently to come up with a combination of meds that will substantially ease my pain and nausea. They are all so GREAT here!

I may be in here for 2 weeks of treatment therefore I may not be able to post for the duration. If possible, Duane may post any further updates for me. (Like this one)

Anywho, Once again your prayers are extremely appreciated.

Love & Blessings to you!
Carin

Last Week

Hello All
This week has been rather difficult and continues to be and that’s why I haven’t written anything. I’ve been in bed with intense pain and nausea for most of this week so I’ve barely been able to check my emails let alone put together something coherent for here. I trust the dr’s will finally be able to give me some pain meds that will actually work tomorrow and so I hope to write more soon.
Hope you have a great week!
CM

As for Today

So, let’s just dig in. I’ve been fighting with a slight issue of nausea which is to be expected but for the last 24 hours it’s been nausea and a sore abdomen. That too is to be expected from the radiation but it’s all a big pain (ha in both meanings!) I need to take anti nausea meds and now pain meds which cause even more nausea all of which make me sleepy. It’s going to be a bit tricky to find the exact right combination of everything so that I don’t have to spend the next three weeks in bed. Needless to say, today has been a more difficult day so I’m going to keep this short.

Thanks again for all your comments and requests, how fun is that! I’ll try to address the question of what I’ve been up to since high school tomorrow. Do feel free to drop requests anytime.

As for today I’d like to answer another question that perhaps several of you have. Hope you don’t mind me sharing it ;-)

“I wonder when I read your blog sometimes, is your typing part of bringing yourself to a positive place of peace, part of the working through thoughts that keep you trusting or are you really that positive naturally?”

The answer is actually – all the above! I try to live in a positive state as much as I can but I do have those hard days, those days where you just want to scream and punch a wall. Usually though, those who love me don’t let me stay there for too long, they point out the good stuff and that helps refocus my perspective. That brings me to an issue I’ve had to deal with and try to work through for 17 years (since my first cancer experience) It’s hard to watch someone you love struggle and there in lies a huge challenge for both the person who’s sick (or whatever) and those who care about them. There’s a delicate balance between helping someone stay positive and letting them grieve when they need to. For the better part of 17 years, my experience is that people generally don’t like to see others struggle; they want to swoop in and fix it or at least distract you long enough to see you smile again…knowing you’re ok makes them feel better. They don’t realize they may be squashing the process you’re going through. It may have its place when someone is wallowing but in my case it caused deep heart wounds that were only revealed this time round. Because sometimes you just need a good cry fest. My experience with this has shaped the way I deal with all grief and only in the last couple of years have I realize I wasn’t “dealing” well in a healthy way. As I mentioned in a previous post I still can’t really cry in public …don’t want to make anyone feel bad. Crazy crazy I know…I still have a ways to go.

Hmmm, where did that come from? As you can see the blog is definitely a place of processing for me as well. It causes me to think things through more than I might usually. I look at what I’m feeling and try to identify the real source and not just whatever it was that triggered it. Never the less, I hope that answers your question, all be it in a round about way. Mostly though, I hope it helps people see that even the eternal optimist will always have their down moments no matter what they say.

So much for short ;-S

I must sleep now. Nighty night!

Thankful Fors!

Beloved Friends
My apologies for not posting much this week. Here’s an extra long post to make up for it.

I’ve been enjoying getting used to relaxing. You’d think I’d have that down by now considering I left work in October but it turns out it’s an elusive state for me to get used to… until this week :-) The week was full of ups and downs, much a repeat of last week’s posts. I was able to get out to the beach for about an hour a day (any more than that and I’d fry, even with skin that loves the sun). Duane and I had BBQ on the beach twice as well – truly beautiful!

Radiation treatments are becoming normal and the ladies that work there are amazing! Today was interesting … the power went out for the whole cancer agency. Doctors, nurses and patients were all just hanging out, it was rather an odd sight. I went to the mall across the street for an hour and upon returning my radiation therapist said that they’d be down for another few hours. Thankfully I was allowed to skip treatment today and just add an extra one on to the end. Hanging out at the cancer agency all day wasn’t my idea of a good time, regardless of how awesome the staff is. To the beach! Hehehe

As for todays post I’d like to do some “Thankful Fors”. It all started with my sister and her kids. “Let’s do thankful fors” one of them pipes up as we’re eating dinner at mom and dads one day. Naturally it was thanksgiving I believe but it’s been something that stuck for a while. So here are some of mine…

Carin’s Thankful Fors…
I’m thankful for my hubby Duane! He’s the best hubby ever! He’s so understanding and encouraging. Talks me down and helps me refocus on what’s important when the hard bits appear. He’s taking really really good care of me – Thanks hun! You da bestest!!!


Location, location, location! The picture above is a street I get to drive everyday.
So despite being away from all those I love in Abbotsford (and Yarrow ;-) I’m beginning to love the area. Really, how can’t you when you’re minutes away from the beach! Are you seeing a theme yet? Can you guess where my new happy place is? THE BEACH! Wanna come for BBQ some day? You’ll see what I mean! And the people watching…fascinating!
It’s not only the beach that has me mesmerized. The Nitobi Garden (pic below) at UBC is …well…beyond words. It’s my favorite place for contemplation.

We had the distinct pleasure of sharing it with friends Andy and Jacquie on Monday (pic below). Thanks so much for coming to visit you guys! We had a really great time! Yay!!! (That’s me being thankful!)

Which brings me to loved ones! That would be you! Family and friends, church folk and fellow Samuel’s Mantlers. I miss you all like crazy. I have received so much love and encouragement via emails, cards and comments – thank you thank you! God’s got me surrounded with the most amazing people and I am extremely thankful for that!

I would be remiss if I didn’t make mention of the new old friends that have touched base with me via this page. Ladies I once knew from many many moons ago, those good ole high school days. Thank you for your comments! I think it’s so cool and your interest tickles my heart!

Treatments! Yes I know that may sound odd as cancer treatments are generally no fun but I am SOOOO thankful that they exist, without them I might not. I bless those that work in giving them and those who work at creating better ones. THANK YOU!

(Don't worry, I am still wearing a tank shirt in the picture below...that's me seconds before a radiation treatment.)
In this section I have to make mention of Paul. A 77 year old man I met yesterday in the waiting area of unit 5. He’s a volunteer who brings a cart of coffee and treats all around the agency on Thursdays. He is full of life and love and is more than happy to share his story. He was once a patient here and had to go though 37 treatments. He says “I'm ok as long as I’m wearing this coat (indicating his volunteers vest) and not that one (pointing at a hospital gown like thing that's used for treatment) ” I had opportunity to visit with him briefly and he was quick to thank God’s grace for his recovery. “I’m a Christian you know” he continues. The exuberance in which he shared his faith was awesome! Nothing pushy, no bible thumping involved, just a man thankful and excited about life and wanting to shout it from the roof tops. I don’t have that gift of boldness but seeing his excitement made me ever so slightly envious. For your contagious exuberance, Paul I thank you!

Thank you all for sharing in my journey. Till next time...May you and yours be blessed!